Hanging Up My Cape

   Superheroes.. from a little boys action figure collection to the big screen to the comic floating on Pinterest about mommas conquering it all.. they're every where. Even NFL football players flash the superman pose after a touchdown but what exactly are we saying with these gestures.  Batman, Superman and the Avengers.. they work fine for movies and little kids imaginations but what are we telling ourselves and others when we bring the superhero mentality to our daily lives?

   I'm not called to be a superhero.  Sure, it can be fun to dress up for a party or play pretend with a small child but there is a growing trend in our society screaming at us.. we can be superheroes.  We can have it all and do it all and be it all. This just doesn't work; eventually after I've chased the superhero mentality long enough the super wears off and all I am left with is myself.  Suddenly what I am left with doesn't seem like enough; I feel weak and insecure.

   I don't want to feel inadequate when I am just being me.  I don't want to feel bad when I have a tough day and the checklist goes unchecked.  Life is already tough enough so why make it harder by chasing an image of perfection.  I used to think that in order to get where I wanted to be in life I had to achieve a certain standard.  If I wanted to lead a women's small group I would have to read the Bible three times, become a worship leader and go five years without a sin.  Then.. then I would be ready for God to use me.  I used to carry my past around in my back pocket as if I needed a constant reminder of who I really was and  where I had been, the mistakes I had made and the potential that I didn't have.  Oh just how wrong I was.

   You see.. when it comes down to it God didn't call me to be perfect. He is perfect and perfection doesn't exist in this world outside of His Presence.  I am a sinner with a broken past and a future of more trials and tests.  I am going to make mistakes and fail again and again but I can find peace knowing that I am not called to be a superwoman but a woman who fears the Lord.  I am a woman, a daughter, sister, wife and one day a mother.  I don't have to strive for perfection.  I am asked only to love and share His love with others.
 
   I can rest in this; finding peace that I am beautiful and every morning is a new start.   I am called to live for Christ and walk in simple acts of obedience to Him.  When I am walking in this I am walking in my calling.  So whether i'm in class, at my workplace, standing over dishes at home or dropping kids off at practice I already have it all because He gave it all for me.

   We need to be careful of our superhero, juggling it all image.  We're not supposed to do it all.  We're doing just fine fulfilling our roles in day to day life, letting Him fill the gaps.  He doesn't want us to portray a perfect image to others but He wants to use those weak areas that we want to hide for His greater good showing those around us that we're struggling too but we're walking with God and we've found it all in Him.

Pressed but not Crushed

  

 It was 5 weeks ago yesterday. I was running mile 7 out of 13.  I was training for my first half marathon in 3 weeks; the weather was perfect and I felt great.  I was making my second lap up the driveway when a sharp pain started in my right foot.  As I kept pushing, thinking that it'd eventually stop, slowly I realized step by step that this pain was growing sharper instead of fading away.

   By the time I reached the road I knew I had to stop and analyze the pain.  After I stopped I wouldn't start again, the pain grew worse and I found myself having trouble walking much less running.  It was 5 weeks ago that I sprained my ankle and injured my plantar fascia.  I saw my doctor that week thinking if I started rehabilitation immediately that I would be in good shape for the half but after a week of stretching, icing and no exercise I was told that my half would have to wait.

   I cried on the way home from my appointment.  My husband knew how important this had become but struggled to understand why I was so upset.  Friends were supportive and family encouraged for the future events I would run but inside I felt like I had failed.

   I spent the next few weeks thinking; analyzing why I was just so upset.  Why did it matter to me this much?  I knew that I would return to running one day but it was so hard to find joy in the future during this season of rest.

   I started running to relieve stress.  I found that if I just got outside and went for a jog that my mind would clear and I could think practically.  This pushed me from 2 miles to 7 to 10 to 13 and as the number of miles grew so did my passion.  As I saw the change in my distance I also noticed a change in my self confidence.  I had made changes to my eating habits, seen a difference in my body and loved how I was pushing past limits I placed on myself.  If you asked me a year ago if I would ever run 13 miles I would have bust out laughing.  Yet here I was finding joy in the pain and conquering fears that I wasn't good enough.

   I realized that this hobby had taught me a lot about myself.  Over the years I had pre-decided what I was and was not capable of.  I had settled into the mindset that I would always be short and stocky.  I would always be more of a walker than a runner.  I would wear sizes 6-8 instead of 2-4.  I would always yo-yo diet and carry an extra five to ten pounds depending on the season.  I would find peace in comfort instead of pushing past fear to reach new goals.  Running started as something small but had become a daily lesson in bettering myself.  Each time my body would ache I would think of stopping and I would have to speak to myself positively in order to keep going. This insight into my insecurities was what had fueled my sport and why I had been so upset when I knew my goal of a half marathon would be postponed.  I also found that with music blaring and my feet pounding pavement something in me felt closer to God; like I could talk to Him and listen more intently.  If the world around me grew silent and all I could hear was my breath and my spirit then I could see the potential.

   There have been so many times when I've just been running down the drive and overcome with joy and felt so much love from Him that I would just start crying.  I'd raise my hands up in praise and just feel free.  It's like hitting those weak, painful moments in my run that I learned to see myself through His eyes.  I am broken and hurting and falling short every day but He sees me as beautiful and strong and He built me that way.

   I was recently reading in 2 Corinthians when I found encouragement for those weak moments.  "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed"(2 Corinthians 4:7-9)  In those weak moments during a run instead of giving up I had learned to deal with the pain; I was watching myself grow into a new me, I was pushing past fear and doubt to reach farther than I thought possible before.  I had always stopped just short of the next step because I had given into the pain, fear, doubt, comfort.  Running had been a very practical way for me to learn that every new day is just that, a new day; an opportunity to do better, push farther and step by step move towards new achievements.

   Two days ago I pushed past again, lacing up my shoes for the first time in so many weeks and making a path back to those 13 miles.  I feared that there would be pain; that I would take a bad step and hurt again but I remembered those words in 2 Corinthians.  I am afflicted or pressed but not crushed.  I am struck down but not destroyed.  It's a new day and I can get up again and start over.  I learned a lot about my self doubt and insecurities over the past month but now is the time to make new and push on, finding new purpose in today and looking to Him for help along the way.

   Whether it's a lesson in life, an injury in your sport, a set back in your career or hurt in a relationship; we are told in the scriptures above that we may be pressed and we may be struck down but we are never destroyed.  There will be times in life when it gets hard and the pain is real but God tells us that He is there with us and we will recover.  Through Him and His love for us we find victory and rejoicing.

Perfect ending to CM James

   When Casey and I bought our flip house a year ago we were excited to "get our hands dirty" and learn through this new project; little did we know that God was going to write a beautiful story through this endeavor. January 17 2015 marked our 1 year and February 23 2015 was the day that we signed papers on our sale!  It's been a year of ups and downs but as Casey and I sat celebrating that night we agreed that we'd do it all again given the opportunity.  

   This little brick ranch abandoned but beaming with promise taught us so much.  Not only did we learn about materials, textiles and construction but we learned how to lean on one another and take risks.  There were many late nights and weekends spent waist deep in plumbing and paint but through it all we grew closer together.  It may sound silly but that little brick ranch held a piece of our hearts over that year.  We had given so much time, energy and money to that "flip" and when it was time to put the "for sale" sign up we prayed that God would bring the right family to our little home. 

   During the construction there was something about that house that stirred me.  I imagined babies being bathed in the tub and toddlers running down the hall.  I imagined this abandoned house becoming a home for a family that would cherish its warmth and protection.  I just knew the tears I shed in frustration and the sweat Casey poured in labor wouldn't be spent for nothing but that God was working out a plan for this "flip".  

   Well.... the house spent several weeks on MLS and the selling process was more traumatizing than construction.  People came and people left.. until a late August evening.  Our friends had been shopping for a house and came by to see the finished product.  The next week was a whirlwind with several more visits and a late night phone call that led to moving day!  Casey's old roommate and his wife, some of our best friends decided that our flip was their home and moved in early September.  Suddenly all those feelings I had and all the times I had prayed for God to handle this process were fulfilled. 

   Our friends and Casey and I look back and can see times when God literally reached down and placed everything in the right place.  We couldn't have asked for a more perfect ending to our story on CM James Road and we look forward to many years growing in life with our best friends down the street.