Friday February 4

Struggles...

Everyone has things in life that they need to work on. No one is perfect. One of my biggest struggles for the past few years has been prayer. I don’t know how it all came about but it’s continued to grow as time goes by. When I was a freshman in college I started an all girl’s support group/small group at Wingate University where we met once a week to pour our hearts to one another and read scripture or watch sermons. We also supported local charities and non-profit organizations out of our own pockets or through fundraisers. You’d think prayer would be pretty easy for a leader of a small group. When Casey and I met it continued to be something that was hard for me. Over the four years that we’ve been together I have never prayer in front of him. It’s like every time we sit down to dinner or pray at our groups my tongue sinks into the back of my mouth and my hands shake. Even in social settings where I was asked to pray or was part of a group prayer, I would keep things short and sweet and “hate” every minute of it. I feel as if the words that leave my mouth won’t carry enough impact or I will stumble and forget where I was going with my prayer.

This week I have made a promise to myself and to God that I will take time away from my “hobbies” aka facebook/twitter and spend that time reading scripture, listening to worship music and talking with God. I know that in order to be the wife, mother and woman that I want to be I need to conquer this fear and begin practicing prayer. I want to feel closer to God and be able to be a part of Casey and I’s prayer life in marriage. So today marks my first day on this quest that will last until next Friday. So far, things have been ok. This afternoon I found myself wanting to check facebook/twitter on my cell phone and knew that I wasn’t going to give in that easily. Tonight I am going to spend a lot of time in my bedroom reading and listening to God talk. I crave the relationship I had with God when I was in college. I had total trust and faith in Him and in my future as a Christian. I know that I am not far from where I want to be but there are some fundamental changes that need to be made in the process. Here’s to learning how to pray and tackling the discomfort of speaking out loud to my Lord and Savior.