Everyone experiences heart break. The way people deal
with heart break is individual. Some
like to swallow their feelings and push forward immediately, while others focus
on every detail of the hurt for weeks before attempting to move on. Over the years, I have developed a strategy
where I prepare for the worst before the worst has happened; that way when it
does, I am “prepared.”
This past August, I thought I had prepared myself for
what lay before me. It was a Monday
morning around 3 am when I got a text message from my mom, stating that she and
dad were in the ER awaiting treatment for sickness my dad had been struggling
with all summer. My dad, in his mid 50s
had been sick for several weeks and had become so dehydrated that he had passed
out on his way to bed that morning. Let
me tell you, to hear that my dad; my rock had fallen to his knees and was
helpless on the floor left an image in my mind that haunts me. I went on to work because part of me had
already began preparing myself for the worst.
I just knew in my head that I needed to work that day because it may be
the last time I work for awhile. The
plan was for my dad to have several procedures done to rule out any major problems. To be honest, there were several people that I
spoke with that had told me; “Meagan, it sounds like your dad has cancer.” These statements had left me preparing for a
diagnosis that would turn my world upside down.
I visited my dad that Monday night in the hospital and returned early
the next morning to properly handle this life changing moment in our
lives. I was going to be there when the
doctor told us that my dad had cancer and I was going to handle it with grace and
dignity and strength. I was going to be
the back bone that my dad needed and the support that my mom would rely
on. As I drove to and from the hospital
the next few days, I mentally prepared myself and spoke with God, a lot.
I didn’t want God to change His plans if this was supposed
to happen. I just wanted Him to prepare and
strengthen me. I needed Him to keep me
standing when all I wanted was to collapse.
Most of our conversations in the car that week left me gasping for air
and mascara running down my cheeks. You see, I had learned this worst case
scenario strategy, growing up and living through the funeral of my grandparents
and great grandparents. I knew how to
put on a brave face in public and crash in private. I remember this mostly with the passing of my
maternal grandmother. She was my “everything”;
she was the light of my life and she poured a love on people that I have only
seen come from her. She had a servant’s
heart and focused on the good in people.
I cherish the memories I have of her and look forward to seeing her
again in Heaven’s brilliant light. Her
funeral was truly a celebration of life and her accomplishments here, on earth
were astronomical. I was 20 when she
passed and once again, wore my “big girl” face in public during her
funeral. I was my mom’s support and took
over for her while she grieved her mother’s loss. So, four years later, I would do the same,
handling my dad’s diagnosis. The problem
was that I hadn’t even heard the doctor’s report and I was planning a funeral. Yes, I said funeral. All the preparation in my head had left me
planning the next 6 months of my dad’s life and the funeral to follow because
in my worst case scenario strategy that’s where we would end. Remember, I didn’t ask God to cancel His
plans, just to prepare me for what lay ahead, except, I hadn’t taken time to
listen to God while I was asking Him for all these things. It’s because of this mistake on my part that
I believe God allowed me to hear my dad’s diagnosis in the way that I did.
I returned to the hospital, the morning of dad’s
procedure just in time to wish him luck.
As I sat in the hospital room, alone, I prepared and prepared and
prepared for what was going to be told that afternoon; when suddenly, the phone
rang. I reluctantly answered, to hear
the doctor on the other end say “Everything looks great; we didn’t find
anything at all.” As I hung up the phone
and sat in silence in my dad’s hospital room, I remember thinking over all the
conversations that I had had with God and how I had done all the talking and
pleading and crying over something that was going to happen that in fact, wasn’t
even going to happen. I felt so arrogant
that I had been planning the future as if I was in control which reminded me of
how small I am because if God wants something to happen, He will make it happen
and He doesn’t need or want my approval on the matter.
The weeks following my dad’s true diagnosis and recovery
have been astounding. My life has
changed; not because of a 6-month verdict or funeral but because God used a
heart breaking situation to teach me that I am not in control and I cannot
prepare for everything that I experience but that I can come to him on my knees
and pour everything in front of Him and then listen because He will lead me
through whatever is happening in life.
God used an “almost” situation to teach me trust and faith. I thought I had it all under control; all
while God was probably thinking, “You don’t know, you think you have this but
without me, you’re creating your own struggle.”
I am so thankful for the lessons God teaches me.
