Build Up Don't Tear Down

I try to live a fairly healthy lifestyle.  I stay active and try to eat good things more than bad.  It was this desire that led me to my decision earlier this week to put the rubber to the road and start making these good choices on a daily, sometimes seems hourly, basis.  It being March, I wanted to make a change.  Like I said, I already live a “fairly” healthy lifestyle but, I wanted to take “fairly” out of the equation.  So, this week was the starting point for eating right and exercising much more than I had been.  I revamped my playlists, pulled the sneakers out of the closet and re-downloaded MyFitnessPal onto my Iphone. 

It was about this time when that “little” voice in my head started questioning myself.  Do you ever do that?  Quite frankly, sometimes I question whether it’s me or “satan” trying to direct my thoughts.  I also started re-reading Soul Detox written by Pastor Craig Groeschel.  I’ve read this book once/possibly twice already but since it was still downloaded on my phone, I wanted to re-read it this week.  Throughout the book, Craig explains how our lives and our souls can become toxic in ways; whether through toxic friends, situations, media or thoughts.  Towards the end of the book, Craig wraps up with a section called “excuses, excuses.”  He wrote about how “your enemy will give you excuses to stay the same” and how “you second guess because your decision doesn’t seem worth the effort.”  He also wrote about how we can become “complacent” and “addicted to mediocrity.” 

While reading this book this week and dealing with these questions or “second guesses”, I realized how poorly I viewed myself in situations.  I was talking to myself in ways that I would never let others talk to me.  I’m sure there are insecurities that I deal with that accompany these thoughts.  I consider myself a positive person, most of the time.  I try to see the upside of things and I always enjoy talking with others and trying to lift them up.  I didn’t even realize how I was talking to myself.  It reminds me of that saying, “You can talk the talk but do you walk the walk.”  Obviously, I was talking one thing to others and walking one way in front of others but not behind closed doors. Thinking back over these thoughts, I tore myself down in several areas; including school, work, my fitness and diet.  I think it was through my decision to exercise more and eat right that I started noticing these “bad” thoughts.  To be honest, I made a list of some of the thoughts that I had been thinking to myself and telling myself and it’s concerning how quickly these came to mind.  “You’re fat”, “You’re too short”, “You talk too much”, “You’re dumb”, “You don’t do enough”, “You don’t make enough money”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re not good enough”, “You’re weak” and “You’re ugly.”  Isn’t that horrible?  I’m a positive person and this is what I think about myself at times.  I’d be running and start thinking about how “weak” I am and how “fat” I am and literally, could watch my running pace slow.  I’d be looking in the cabinet for something to eat and think “You’re already fat, so just eat the chocolate.”  Or I would look in the mirror and think “These pants make me look fat, well I am fat, so these pants are too tight.” 

Please don’t think that I am writing this for a pity party.  I’d rather no one comment than have people start commenting with sympathy.  I sincerely, didn’t realize how I was talking to myself and how my thoughts were affecting how I felt about myself.  Through reading Soul Detox and focusing on new challenges, I saw this parade of bad thoughts in my head and how it was affecting my performance and attitude.  This realization made me want to share with others in case there are people out there struggling with these issues too.  I have a feeling that this is especially common in women.  We hardly ever give ourselves enough credit and on that note, I confess that I don’t build up my husband like I should either.  Not because I think bad thoughts about him, but how can I build up my husband like I am suppose to when I tear myself down all the time? 

Now that I have realized this need for change, I can spend time in processing and making small changes every day.  It certainly will not be an immediate change but with focus and prayer, I can conquer this!  I encourage anyone that has read inspirational or encouraging books to comment the title.  I’d love some additional reading and literature on this matter.  Maybe through my realization and others advice on helpful material, not only can I grow in my self confidence but others can too.

Bad turned Good

I am a firm believer that God will talk to you, move you and work through you in ways that we, sometimes, can understand and others cannot.  Over the past few months I have felt God working in me, teaching me through the experiences in my life.  Some lessons were easily learned while others have been a slow, repetitive process. 

I am a planner.  I thoroughly love to make lists.  To do lists, check lists, lists that last a day, a week or months.  Sometimes I make lists and actually check over them while other lists get written and never looked at again.  Either way, I plan.  I plan my day and I plan my year.  I pretty much plan everything.  You’d think that a planner like me would really struggle with unplanned experiences.  However, the older I get; the better I am getting at handling these instances.  I don’t necessarily always love them but I learn to enjoy the meaning behind them. 

If I keep my ears tuned and my eyes open for God’s work in my life, sometimes it’s easy to tell when He’s working.  I believe God has His hand on everything so I try not to stress when these “surprises” come along.  As long as I remember that He’s working in this some way, shape or form then I don’t have to worry about an outcome.  Just like He placed the surprise in my life or strategically will help me move through or around the surprise, He can handle where I go from here. 

Take today for example: I just wrapped up a strenuous 8 week class and had planned to start my second 8 week class (part 2 of the first) tomorrow.  To my surprise, a phone call informed me this afternoon that the school cancelled that class.  My initial thought, “Great; after all of my hard work and sacrifice, I now cannot take the second class because others failed and now the numbers are too low to offer this class”.  Immediately, I felt a strong “shish” and regretted thinking those thoughts.  Yes, I wanted to take this class.  I really wanted to get ahead and be in a better position for my nursing classes in the future, but I can’t change the decision made.  Thinking back over the last 8 weeks, I was still proud of myself and the work I put into my class.  Plus, God had worked through me in several ways over the past 8 weeks.  I wouldn’t take that back for anything. 

My second thought came with a smile (surprisingly, and not usual for someone who gets bad news); “What if this was God working?”  No, I am not taking this a sign that I need to drop my goals of being a nurse one day, but what if this cancellation was a precursor to another opening somewhere else.? What if life was going to hold something that needed my attention more than this specific class at this time?  When you believe that God has His hand on everything and you take away the worry that comes with bad news, it doesn’t seem so bad.  What should have ruined my day opened me up to think with excitement about what might be coming my way.  Maybe it’s not a good thing happening in the next few months, maybe it’s something that I will need that time that would have been spent on schoolwork to overcome a battle, but I can’t worry about that now.  As a planner, what I can do is take my “plan” and prepare to change it a bit.  It’s not a bad thing to plan but it is important to roll with the punches.  I need to be flexible and have faith and continue to listen and watch for the next move.  Good or bad, there is a purpose behind it and who knows, it might be a life defining moment.  This might be a season of greatness and if I believe in greater things and “sun stand still” prayers then this “bad” news might become one phone call that changed it all. 

So, I encourage everyone out there today that’s struggling with control and worry to turn it all over to God.  Let Him handle it.  We can only make the  most of the moment and when we worry ourselves sick and focus on the bad and the stressful things in life we aren’t capturing the moment in highest regards.  Pray to God that He’d help you with your, personal struggles and that He would mold you and teach you through your experiences in life.  He is Almighty and the King of Kings.  He can not only handle what you’re going through but the God that made the stars can place you in a position of greatness in your life to where you can not only survive but excel!