Build Up Don't Tear Down

I try to live a fairly healthy lifestyle.  I stay active and try to eat good things more than bad.  It was this desire that led me to my decision earlier this week to put the rubber to the road and start making these good choices on a daily, sometimes seems hourly, basis.  It being March, I wanted to make a change.  Like I said, I already live a “fairly” healthy lifestyle but, I wanted to take “fairly” out of the equation.  So, this week was the starting point for eating right and exercising much more than I had been.  I revamped my playlists, pulled the sneakers out of the closet and re-downloaded MyFitnessPal onto my Iphone. 

It was about this time when that “little” voice in my head started questioning myself.  Do you ever do that?  Quite frankly, sometimes I question whether it’s me or “satan” trying to direct my thoughts.  I also started re-reading Soul Detox written by Pastor Craig Groeschel.  I’ve read this book once/possibly twice already but since it was still downloaded on my phone, I wanted to re-read it this week.  Throughout the book, Craig explains how our lives and our souls can become toxic in ways; whether through toxic friends, situations, media or thoughts.  Towards the end of the book, Craig wraps up with a section called “excuses, excuses.”  He wrote about how “your enemy will give you excuses to stay the same” and how “you second guess because your decision doesn’t seem worth the effort.”  He also wrote about how we can become “complacent” and “addicted to mediocrity.” 

While reading this book this week and dealing with these questions or “second guesses”, I realized how poorly I viewed myself in situations.  I was talking to myself in ways that I would never let others talk to me.  I’m sure there are insecurities that I deal with that accompany these thoughts.  I consider myself a positive person, most of the time.  I try to see the upside of things and I always enjoy talking with others and trying to lift them up.  I didn’t even realize how I was talking to myself.  It reminds me of that saying, “You can talk the talk but do you walk the walk.”  Obviously, I was talking one thing to others and walking one way in front of others but not behind closed doors. Thinking back over these thoughts, I tore myself down in several areas; including school, work, my fitness and diet.  I think it was through my decision to exercise more and eat right that I started noticing these “bad” thoughts.  To be honest, I made a list of some of the thoughts that I had been thinking to myself and telling myself and it’s concerning how quickly these came to mind.  “You’re fat”, “You’re too short”, “You talk too much”, “You’re dumb”, “You don’t do enough”, “You don’t make enough money”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re not good enough”, “You’re weak” and “You’re ugly.”  Isn’t that horrible?  I’m a positive person and this is what I think about myself at times.  I’d be running and start thinking about how “weak” I am and how “fat” I am and literally, could watch my running pace slow.  I’d be looking in the cabinet for something to eat and think “You’re already fat, so just eat the chocolate.”  Or I would look in the mirror and think “These pants make me look fat, well I am fat, so these pants are too tight.” 

Please don’t think that I am writing this for a pity party.  I’d rather no one comment than have people start commenting with sympathy.  I sincerely, didn’t realize how I was talking to myself and how my thoughts were affecting how I felt about myself.  Through reading Soul Detox and focusing on new challenges, I saw this parade of bad thoughts in my head and how it was affecting my performance and attitude.  This realization made me want to share with others in case there are people out there struggling with these issues too.  I have a feeling that this is especially common in women.  We hardly ever give ourselves enough credit and on that note, I confess that I don’t build up my husband like I should either.  Not because I think bad thoughts about him, but how can I build up my husband like I am suppose to when I tear myself down all the time? 

Now that I have realized this need for change, I can spend time in processing and making small changes every day.  It certainly will not be an immediate change but with focus and prayer, I can conquer this!  I encourage anyone that has read inspirational or encouraging books to comment the title.  I’d love some additional reading and literature on this matter.  Maybe through my realization and others advice on helpful material, not only can I grow in my self confidence but others can too.