Putting Down my Pen

   Casey and I spent a couple of days with my family at the beach this weekend.  This time was needed and we captured every moment to walk, talk and rest.  I’m not sure why but when I stand on a beach and look out across the waves, I feel small and my God feels so much bigger. Casey knows that a beach is my happiest place and this is one of the reasons why. 

   Saturday as we were walking; talking about plans for the next year, I couldn't help but feel my big God asking for us to let Him in to our conversation.  How many times have we asked Him this year about our future plans?  When have I taken my agenda and opened it to Him or better handed Him the pen? 

   I told Casey (since we all know I was doing most of the talking on these walks) that this next year I need to let go of the reins and bring God closer into my heart.  You see, I've always been a “planner” and even worse a “worrier”.  I will analyze something until the midnight hours and as I plan I will worry about whether I am making the best decision and in return analyze some more.  God has been pressing into this issue with me over the past several months and I have felt Him lean in as I turn my head like a misbehaving child. 

   The root of my issue isn't a need to control but a lack of faith. It’s taken me time and weak moments to see this in myself. Why would I ever think my God who brought me out of the trenches before would ever want anything but outstandingly, awesome moments for my future?  The same God in the Bible is the same God writing my life’s story.  It’s when I preach this to myself that I find it a bit easier to drop my pen, close my calendar and listen for God’s instruction. 

   As we continued to walk down that beach, I thought about some of our really good moments.  Like our engagement when Casey proposed in the woods beside our forever home, or when I got an email inviting me to join a women’s egroup led by our pastor’s wife, or when Casey bought a foreclosure which led to an investment opportunity which led to financial blessing or when a mentor at our church asked us to take a leadership role .  You see, I didn't plan these moments; I hadn't even thought about them or dreamed what joy they would bring but they are some of the sweetest memories.

   So looking back, when did I plan something that brought the joy that I knew it would, in the exact way that I had planned?  Nope, there’s not a single time.  I can’t think of one time in my life that all my worry and anxiety and planning was worth the trouble.  This blew my mind; all this time I thought I had control on my happiness by planning and worrying and preparing when it was the moments that God got through that brought the most joy. 

   So as Casey and I walked off that beach, I prayed and promised God that this year my agenda would only hold grocery lists, work schedules and holiday parties because this year is His and I pray that He shines in our marriage, our home and every unplanned moment to come.