Everyone has always said.. " children will change your life." I just never knew that life change would start so quickly.
Casey and I had been planning our family for a while. We always said five years but I don't think either one of us really thought it would go "according to plan." We spent months talking and planning; we tried to walk the line between doing what we could and letting God take hold of our future.
It didn't take long for fear to creep in. I worried that we'd waited too long, that we waited and now may have trouble or that we'd been too strict in our planning, that we hadn't allowed room for God to speak into our plans. It was this same fear that kept me from loving my baby right away.
I had taken a test.. negative. Another test.. negative. One more.. a slight positive.. another positive and then a trip to the doctor where I hoped they'd confirm my pregnancy but feared they would deny it. It didn't feel real. I was so thankful that it hadn't taken a long time to start a family but at the same time I was having trouble grasping that fact. That night I went home and greeted Casey at the door with a book and a gift bag of baby goodies. We both cried and hugged and sighed in relief that this really was happening. Yet, relief was short lived and soon that same fear crept into my mind and eventually into my heart.
It had all happened so fast. One minute we're talking about "one day" and the next we're looking at this tiny little being on an ultrasound. I had prayed for this little life but now I feared that I would lose it. Too many late night internet articles, my job in the medical field and statistics in waiting room magazines grew my worry to doubt and doubt to obsession. I started preparing my attitude and mindset according to the chance of ....... instead of opening my heart to love this little baby at every stage of it's existence.
It was when I came home from my 12 week appointment that I sat down on the couch and just sobbed. I felt guilty as I held this new ultrasound in my hands and remembered watching this little one's heart beat across the screen. I had withheld so much joy and excitement because of what might happen. Looking back over the past three months I hadn't really taken time to settle into the fact that now in just six months we'd very possibly be holding this little one. He or she would be crying and cooing and looking up at me with those eyes waiting... waiting for me to teach them about life and about love. Oh how I didn't want to teach our new little baby about how fear had held their mommy from experiencing one of life's greatest joys or how doubt had held me prisoner for 12 weeks.
I want to love this baby every moment of every day. I don't want to pull back for a period of time just in case to protect myself from hurt. I want to embrace every moment, every sensation. Life started 12 weeks ago and I haven't taken hold of it until now because I let fear of loss, fear of hurt, fear of pain hold me back from something that will forever change me as a being, as a woman and a mother.
It was in that moment that no matter what happens I decided that fear wouldn't hold me captive any longer. I would be in the moment and even though fear will always be there. When I take this baby home for the first time, when I hear the cry from a skinned knee, when I watch them walk into school on that first day or walk down the aisle at their wedding; I don't have to let fear keep me from experiencing that moment I just have to decide to let God handle the what ifs and promise to love and live in every moment; the good, the bad and the unexplainable.
He has a mighty plan for this baby and our family but I can't be the momma I am meant to be unless I release what I can't control over to my God and be present to walk in faith through the rest.
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