Recently, I shared my experience of when I tested for nursing classes and the "God moment" I had right there in the testing center. Since then I have signed up for some intense science classes to line me up for nursing school in the fall. One of those classes started last week. Anatomy & Physiology 1 online and in 8 weeks. I must admit, not the easiest way to "go back to school." It has been a complete life shift with schoolwork around the clock, work at a minimum and literally, blocking myself into our home office for majority of the day. I take "breaks" to clean house, fold laundry and unload the dish washer. Most days, I don't step outside until 4 pm because I have been working on assignments and taking quizzes up to that point.
There have been several times over the past week when I become so stressed with deadlines and upcoming schedules that all I can do is cry. My shoulders tense up when I think about all the assignments due at the end of the week and the fact that I am actually suppose to "learn" and "remember" all of this material in 8 weeks. It's in those hard moments that I start to doubt myself and my ability to go back to school. When the stress gets the best of me and I start to focus on the possibility of failure, I want to quit. I let my insecurities get the best of me and start plotting my way out.
Earlier this evening I was working on a timed exam that I had studied so hard for, yet found myself struggling through, when this failure fear came back to me in a full fledged panic attack. There I was with a clock ticking away and the stress starting to build. I was running out of time, searching for answers and could hardly focus on the test at that point, because my mind was racing through the "F" that I was going to get. Suddenly, in the midst of my panic this flood of calmness and calling came over me. I was taken back to that testing room where I had given everything over to God. I had told Him to handle it. It was in His hands, what I did with my future and I just wanted to do what He wanted me to do. The conviction of how trusting I had been then and the realization of how un-trusting I was in this moment made me realize how circumstantial my faith in God can be. A few months ago I had this amazing, life changing moment with God where I knew without a doubt He was instructing me to go to school and pursue a nursing career. Now, I couldn't make it through a trying test without questioning everything I am working toward. It was tonight during that test that I asked myself, "Doesn't God want me here?" Yes, He does. He instructed me down this path months ago and now because it's time to work, I am going to give up? I asked for an answer then and he answered me. I told Him I would do whatever He instructed me to do and now it's time to follow through. When I put everything in that perspective; that God had placed me in this moment for a reason and that He wanted me here; everything seemed less stressful and more purposeful.
I ended the test with a much better grade than I had anticipated and continued to perform better and better with each test I took afterwards. I wish I didn't allow my emotions to get the best of me. I wish I could be more stable in my walk with God. I want to remember that He is right here. He is with me every step of the way and He DID put me here. When I focus on His Will instead of my abilities, every trial seems less trivial and more like a training session. There are always going to be trials but they can be overcome. I love how Pastor Jentzen Franklin put it this past Tuesday, "Sometimes you just have to go through your go through." That's exactly right. When I think about it, I don't even want my walk to be an easy one. I want to get to the end, turn around and be proud of the work I did. I want to feel accomplished when I look back on this moment in life. It's not suppose to be easy and it won't always be but it is suppose to be a process not a project. It's going to take time but it's going to be worth it.
So the next time I feel the stress sinking into my neck, I am going to stop and talk to God. I am going to remind myself that He is right here, He put me here and He is walking with me every step of the way. Whether it's an easy A or a trying C, God is holding my hand and instructing me in my every move. Here's to a more purposeful, God guided semester.
Thank you Lord for your provision and your instruction.
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