Planning doesn't make Perfect

   I struggle because I am a planner.  I am an A type personality with a need for perfection.  I love calendars, organizational charts and countless "to do" lists.  I have plans for today, this week, next month, one year from now, five years from now and so on and so forth.  The problem isn't that I plan, per say, but that I plan with little to no room for change.  I realize that this is not how it works and that in cases like mine, plans hardly ever work out according to plan!
    I am currently reading Confessions of a raging perfectionist, written by Amanda Jenkins.  Her work is amazing but making my way through her book has been a mixture of torture and therapy.  Just like Amanda, I know where my heart is suppose to be and that with faith I am to trust in the Father and His plans for my life but sometimes it's hard not to get upset when plans go haywire.  Amanda's words hit really close to home in this excerpt, "I have come to realize I'm not a planner; I'm a hoper.  I hoped I'd be married at twenty-six; hoped I'd live in New York City; I hoped I'd work as a screenwriter; I hoped I'd have my first child at twenty-eight.  I can't say I had a well-thought-out plan for any of these things-- I sort of aspired to them.  Some of them have happened; some have not.  But whether I refer to the stuff I want to happen in my life as plans, hopes, dreams or whatever, at some point or another, plans fail, hopes defer and dreams die.  So then what? I'm face to face with God, my brow furrowed, saying, "What were you thinking?"  And then I realize the real question is, What was I thinking?  Thank God I didn't marry that guy at twenty-six, and thank God I had no children at twenty-eight, and the list goes on."
    Whew!  Amanda's words remind me that as I plan for the future and hope for what I would like to see happen, it's not guaranteed and just as I look forward at what may be, I need to look back at what could have been and luckily, didn't!   I get so wrapped up in the moment and the right now that I forget to look past what's right in front of me and my current plans and desires.  I forget to thank God for allowing me to make mistakes but picking me back up and loving me through the process.  I need to remember the plans I had in my past that didn't go according to plan; that because of God's Greatness, He didn't give me control over everything.
    I pray that as I continue through life and plan for tomorrow; I remember my Heavenly Father and His promises for life and plans to prosper.  He has a life for me that I cannot fathom and one day as I stand in front of Him, I don't want to apologize for fighting against Him but rejoice for following Him.

Leading Ladies

   I have been blessed with amazing women in my life at the most critical times.  In my hardest moments and my highest peaks, I have been blessed to have a strong, encouraging group of women around me.  These women certainly don't fall out of the sky but with a little courage, I have been able to take the first step and join a life group/e group that has brought them into my life.
   There are so many important reasons to become part of a life group/e group at your church.  I always get concerned expressions when people are informed that our church doesn't have "Sunday school."  The reason for that is, that our "Sunday school" environment happens in "small group" settings during other times of the week.  Casey and I have always been in a small group and it has continually fed us spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  I look back over the years and would hate to know how I would have handled some of the experiences life has given me without my small group.
   Shortly after Casey and I married, we joined an e group through Elevation.  Our particular e group was a "young married group" that meets on Tuesday nights.  We've been a part of this group for a couple years now and I continue to thank God for the men and women that have walked through our path and joined us in the first years of marriage.  As the time goes by, our group grows and develops further.  When we started, it was small group of newly married couples and now we have 2 newborns and one arriving in a couple of months.  As we walk through life together, we are able to help one another in whatever struggles and praises come along.
    Take today for example; I started my day conquering everything on my task list and felt like it was going to be a fantastic afternoon.  Just as my sails were flying high, darkness came and struggles appeared and without warning, I was stressed over life complications.  Of course, I prayed and took a walk to speak with God.  That certainly helped, but I admit, sometimes I struggle emotionally when I speak to God and I feel His Presence but the hurt remains and I just need to talk to a girl!  Can I get an Amen?  Within minutes I was able to contact a few of my friends from our e group and we were able to meet for a walk.  I can't tell you the difference it made to be able to vent, regroup and get honest, genuine advice on how to handle my situation.  Hours after my struggle appeared, I felt rejuvenated and better equipped to deal with the problem.     I am so thankful for the women that God has placed in my life.  Each one is different and pure in their own way.  We all have different walks of life and ways of the world, but together we come and love on one another.  Being able to talk and share moments together allows us to become better women, wives and mothers.  I am so blessed!

Permission Slip Series

   Last weekend at our church, Elevation in Charlotte, NC; our pastor began a series titled "This is your Permission Slip."  Pastor Steven is breaking down the reality that many people look at Christianity as a program with restrictions and regulations.  Fortunately, that is not the heart of Jesus.  He came to earth to liberate and rescue.  This morning, Pastor Steven dove further into scripture, pulling from the Ten Commandments(Exodus 20).  Pastor Steven used parenting to describe how sometimes we say no when we should say yes, simply because it is more convenient; following with the reality that God is never a convenience God.  

    In order for us to properly live in Christ and share the Gospel with others, we need a new understanding of the Word.  "It must be horrible to be as good as God is and be twisted to look so bad through humanity."  I loved this quote by Pastor Steven, "If Christianity is boring to you, you're not doing it right.  If your burden is breaking your back, you're not carrying it right."(Pastor Steven Furtick)  God gives us the Ten Commandments and many other laws throughout the Bible; some that expired many years ago and some that last for eternity but He never intended for these laws that were created to liberate us and empower us through a walk with Him to be twisted and turned to portray a Christian life of misery and limitation.  Pastor Steven explained how when Moses was given the Ten Commandments, God wanted to speak with His people and began with "come to me", not "thou shalt not."  God is the God of yes.  

    As Pastor Steven was wrapping up his sermon today, he spoke about chains and how through life events or even prior experiences in the church; people can become enslaved and misunderstand God's Word completely.  "When you've been in chains long enough, you don't know what freedom feels like.  People are enslaved in their minds.  We wear out under heavy loads that God didn't want us to carry."(Pastor Steven Furtick)  

    As Pastor Steven was speaking today, my heart was burdened and my mind taken back to a day not so long ago that I was reminded of God's true love.  A cool, autumn evening drive back to my college campus, as I listened to music on the radio while my mind pondered immediate actions that would need to take place in the coming days.  I found myself a college freshman, with too much on my plate that I hadn't planned for.  Bad decisions had gotten me into bad situations and now I was without hope, that is without Jesus.  I had grown up in church but as schedules became hectic, slowly I faded away through high school.  I knew who Jesus was but frankly, didn't want anything to do with Him.  Christianity and religion was full of do's and dont's or so I thought.  I figured after I was done living it up in high school and college, I would return to church once I had gotten my life back together.  Thankfully, that night was when I became a "saved" Christian.  I knew I couldn't fix my problems and as I drove down the road, tears began streaming down my face and my heart broke into pieces.  The music played and a warmth came over my body.  I literally, felt God there with me, holding my brokenness, telling me that with Him, I could find happiness again and genuine hope for a better tomorrow.  Can I tell you that I was a different person when I exited that car compared to when I entered it?  Not everyone is "broken" when they turn to Christ but everyone has a story.  I knew right then and there that I had met my God and that He was going to walk beside me from that day forward.  

    It wasn't long after that night that I meet my husband and together we built a relationship, attending church and seeking counsel in small group settings.  My life didn't suddenly become perfect and my worries flee, but day by day as I put God first and tried to walk a bit closer to Him; my life did change and morph along with my desires.  I am very thankful for my brokenness on that night and that God visited with me.  The list of rules that had kept me from Christ all along were now, leading me into a path of greater happiness and strength than I had ever known.  

   I pray that people out there with questions and concerns about Christianity or a relationship with Christ would seek honest, genuine counsel from bible based churches.  There are so many resources now for new believers but it takes stepping out and speaking up to change your path.  God is a yes God and He wants to give you all that He has in store.  

www.elevationchurch.org

www.elevationnetwork.com

www.youversion.com

God's Creation

    There were many moments in Barbados that reminded Casey and I of how blessed we are.  We were constantly shown the beauty of Christ through creation.  The Friday before we returned home, our family took us on a tour of the island.  One of our stops was at a historic lighthouse that is now boarded up and quickly aging as the salty air erodes its exterior.  As we climbed out of the cars, Casey and I walked down a slight hill in front of the lighthouse.  We knew we were on the water but we had no idea what waited at the bottom of that hill.  As we approached the edge of a cliff, we were overwhelmed with the sight that laid before us.

   Standing on top of the cliffs, looking down and out across the water left us without words.  I literally had my breath taken from me and could only stand with tears filling my eyes, thinking just how powerful and mighty our God is.  I was thankful for the opportunity to get to view such a sight.  It was one of those moments when your faith can be reaffirmed because standing, looking at God's masterpiece, we knew that science's explanation for how our world became what it is, was not through a large explosion or process of evolution.  To be in the Presence of God and to feel Him there with us as we stood in awe; we could have stayed there all day just trying to soak in every minute.  Casey and I both took some time to talk to God and thank Him for bringing us to this place.

   Weeks later, we are reminded of our experience that day.  Unfortunately, our pictures do not begin to do this sight justice but we can look back and remember the moment when our eyes were opened and hearts poured out to God.  It's when you find yourself in a situation that could swallow you that you are reminded of how small we are and how big He is.  Suddenly, your stresses and worries become small with you and your faith in Him becomes larger than ever.  As we lean on Him, He will show us true peace and comfort.

A week in Paradise

Last week Casey and I spent time with family friends in Barbados.  Casey and his sister hadn’t been in over 14 years so it was neat to watch both of them reminisce throughout the week.  Long story short, Casey’s step dad had a foreign exchange student that came to North Carolina and stayed with his family years ago.  Skip and Angela kept in touch over the years so now it’s like having family living in paradise.  I’ve had the honor of meeting and “liming” with several of the “Bajan’s” before now but it was nice to see Barbados up close and get to experience the culture first hand. 

Our week long trip was non-stop and there were many luxuries to our stay since we were close with the “locals!”  We spent an afternoon on a “speed” boat, snorkeling and swimming with sea turtles; we visited a local yacht club and snorkeled around ship wrecks.  Casey and I were able to visit some local bajan eateries with fresh fish and hot bajan pepper sauce.  Our family was able to tour a cave over 160 feet below ground, try out our expertise on paddle boards and even eat dinner fixed from a 5 star chef, Nick King, after a day of touring the island.  Talk about having the royal treatment for a week.  Not only are the beaches some of the most dramatically, gorgeous that we’ve ever seen but the people that we were able to spend our vacation with are true, genuine and loving in every way.  

On top of experiencing a new culture, fantastic food, unforgettable time and memories shared with family and friends, we were able to experience some life altering moments on our trip that I never want to take for granted.  I found myself several times standing or sitting, wanting to soak up every second, wanting to absorb every minuscule detail because I just knew that the beauty that I was experiencing in that moment was a gift from God. 

There were many mornings, I would just sit on a sandy step at the edge of the beach with a bible in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, reading the gospel and feeling the beauty of creation around me.  I’d look down the beach one way and see an older gentleman fishing with a net and was reminded of Peter.  A fisherman by trade but a fisher of men, walking with Jesus.  A few minutes later, I would stare out at the blue water, changing hues and shades every second, glimmering in the sunlight as if it were coated in diamonds.  Down by my right foot, I would see trails left by a sea turtle the night before; as she had moved down the beach looking for a place to lay eggs.   I have always felt a strong connection to Christ when I am surrounded by nature, but this trip was taking that connection to another level. 

It’s when you find yourself watching a sunset over Caribbean water, thinking about a broken world that can portray colors only seen in that moment in the sky; that you are reminded of how close God is.  He is a big God and a powerful God and He can handle everything that we give to Him on our best days and on our worst.  I was reminded of our big God watching the sunsets. 

It’s when you find yourself two feet deep in water, floating across reefs watching tiny fish, thousands of them swimming in and out of rocks.  Fish with stripes and spots, some with bright yellow and some with a deep shade of blue.  It was in those moments, that I was reminded of how much our God cares.  He cares about the little moments, those times when we’re overwhelmed and we can’t feel His presence but He is there, holding our shoulder, grieving with us but encouraging us all the same.  Watching the fish reminded me of just how much our God cares.

Throughout the week our family would watch sea turtles come and go on the beach, looking for places to lay eggs.  They came out of the water like mythical creatures; one minute it’s a simple wave pattern and the next, this creature from under the water, creeps up the beach with a mission.  We’d watch them for hours, move from spot to spot and eventually lay a nest and then with such great detail, cover all the evidence, slowly returning to the water.  One day, we had the opportunity to return new hatchlings to the surf; watching these tiny turtles slowly maneuver over sand and then quickly be washed away was something I thought I would never experience.  During an afternoon swim, a few of us were able to gear up and snorkel with a small group of turtles.  Watching them glide under the water, much more gracefully than they move on land was breath taking.  All I could think during those moments with the sea turtles was “thank you Lord, thank you for this moment, this treasure, and this opportunity to witness your creation.”  To be able to hold a turtle the size of your palm and then touch the shell of another as she swam in open water was a true blessing.  As funny as it may sound to some, those turtles reminded me that even though we may not experience certain things outside of the pages of a book or the images of a photograph; it doesn’t mean that they’re not there.  We trust the articles we read and the images that we see on programs to portray reality of events and we have to trust and believe that it’s the same with scripture.  I won’t ever experience the events that took place thousands of years ago, captured in the Bible but I can trust that they did occur and that just as miracles happened then, He is the same God now as He was then and miracles can happen today.

As you can tell, it was an amazing trip.  Casey and I are so thankful for the moments we shared and the memories we made.  We left content with the agenda we held while we were there but with heavy hearts, leaving behind people that we had grown to love and were accustom to visiting daily.  Simply put, we left a small part of us there in paradise and we cannot wait to return. 

I was able to share some moments with you tonight, without pictures but the highlight of our trip came towards the end of the week and took our breath away completely.  Casey and I found ourselves standing in a spot where I can only imagine God was standing there with us.  I just cannot share that experience with you until I have a picture to share with you also…. So keep checking back.  I hope to sit down tomorrow and write out the words on my heart from that encounter. 

With love and God’s blessings, Good night.

What do you do for a living?

What is your answer to that question? "What do you do for a living?" What's the first thought that pops into your head? Are you excited to share your profession with others or do you cringe that you even have to mention "work?"
Growing up, I never wanted to find myself as an adult, working a job that I hated. This fear of mine has helped me at times but has hindered me also.  I stressed about college when I was in high school. Where do I want to go to school, I'd ask myself. I need to pick the right school for the right profession that I choose.  Then in college, I declared my major immediately and then changed it more than three times that first year because I was afraid that I was choosing the wrong career path and would end up hating my job just like I had feared my entire adolescence.  I think there should be more counseling about this issue in schools.  Isn't that what a "counselor" is there for?  We need to help our teenagers embrace their passions and not focus on the bottom dollar of a paycheck.  We need to encourage them to push themselves and work hard but to work smart. They need to know that they may not start at the top but may work their way from the bottom but as long as they entered a job because they have a passion in that field then they will enjoy certain aspects of earning their way.
Somewhere along the way, people have stopped dreaming about plans for the future and have solely focused on their paycheck.  Don't tell me that you wake up on a Monday and crave Friday already! Please don't say that you've been at your job for two years and you're currently counting down the rest of your time until retirement!  What's the point if you're going hate what you "do for a living" for the majority of your life?  Where is your happiness, your excitement, your work ethic?  Do you know that the average person works 2,080 hours/year and that is only working 8 hours/day, 5 days/week not including over time, holidays, etc. That sure is a lot of time doing something that doesn't make you happy!
No thank you! If there is anything that I am not about to do, is spend the rest of my life unhappy at my job where I spend most of my time! That case in point, why work a job that you hate and that you spend most of your time there? What if there were options? What if, for a moment, we turned the clocks back and thought about our happiest times? Who were you with? What were you doing? I'm not saying that if you love football, you should try out for the Panthers but what if you looked into teaching children the game or football organizations that sell products or market the games?  What if you found a career that not only made you happy, it gave you more time with your family?  It's like that MM commercial at Christmas when Santa says, "They do exist", talking about the MM characters.  You can find a position that makes you happy and that gives you more time freedom and if you find a career that does both of those, do you know what else you'll have, better health! You won't be so stressed, you won't be so confine as to your schedule and when you can be active and eat proper foods.  What if you got up int he morning, excited to go to your job and share with others what you love and then were able to go home and walk with your kids and talk with them about their day? How much better of a parent are you going to be when you're less stressed, happier and more available?
For me, turning 25 next week, as I look back on this last year and analyze life decisions and life circumstances, I am the happiest that I have ever been, I am healthier than I have ever been and I am excited more now than ever to see where life is going! I have my family, my friends, a fantastic career, a amazing church and relationship with Christ that has grown more than anything else this year. What more could I ask for? Nothing! I'm not kidding, if you asked me today, "how are you doing", I would respond saying, "better than ever" and I would mean every word.  No, life is certainly not perfect and there will always be trials but when you enjoy life and you are happy, you have a healthier mindset to handle those times.  I encourage everyone to take a minute and answer some of the same questions that I asked myself and assess what areas of your life need a little tweaking! Then, go to the Father, ask God to show you how He would like you to handle these issues and trust in Him to show you the way.

Choices One at a Time

I've been wanting to transition into a clean eating diet for some time now.  Last month when I suffered a virus that knocked me off my feet, I took it as an opportunity to start fresh and eat clean from that point forward.  It was fairly easy to start, considering I had spent most of the first week on ginger ale and crackers; I wasn't craving anything too heavy or complex.  The second week I tried to eat all natural foods and focus on more lean protein, vegetables and fruit.  I could already tell a difference in how I felt after eating something too rich or with too much dairy.  The Easter Holiday was a final confirmation that my body had already become accustom to eating lighter, simpler meals.  I didn't indulge in many casseroles or hardly any desserts but felt horrible the following day from eating more than I had been. 

          I haven’t completely adopted the “clean” eating diet that many of us see on fitness networks and professional profiles yet, but I have tried to focus on making wiser, healthier decisions every day.  I make sure I drink more water and choose vegetables and fruit over snack items, like crackers or popcorn.  Even in such a short time, I have been able to notice that I no longer crave junk food but am actually repelled by it somehow.  I can also tell a difference between when I am full and when I am eating because I am use to eating those portions.  This past week I focused on eliminating as much bread as possible as well as condiments and salt.  In three short weeks, my body has learned to crave bananas and almond milk instead of cheese and chocolate.  Semi-sweet food tastes really sweet now, as compared to before when I could eat a really sweet food and crave more sugar. 

          It’s not that I hit a wall and realized how bad I was feeling on a day to day basis, but I had seen great results out of our AdvoCare products and knew that I could feel superior if I would match my diet with my supplements and exercise.  Entering week four, I am not only feeling better on the inside but feeling more confident in how I look on the outside.  It’s so motivating to keep pushing forward when you reach a point of progress and get excited to see even more advancement in the future.  I admit there have been times of trial, like when a friend enjoys Taco Bell while I eat an egg white omelet, but sticking to my efforts and focusing on my goal continues to assist me when making choices.  I have already seen great results in three weeks so I know if I keep moving forward that in three more weeks, I will feel and look even better.  At some point the craving for a chocolate brownie, compared to the reality of how I will feel after eating it, doesn't measure up. 

          Lastly, another change I made in my daily routine was to put away the scale.  I haven’t weighed myself in over a month.  I know where I was back in February and I was fine with that.  I wanted a smaller number but didn't need to focus on my number for any medical reasons so I put away the scale and use that motivation to eat better and exercise regularly.  I started thinking about how many times I have stood on the scale and felt motivated by a number; not many.  Usually, even if I was happy with the number, I would think about a smaller number.  So instead of connecting my worth with my number, I would connect my worth with Jesus Christ and motivate myself through His Word and how good I felt because of making good decisions.  I’d encourage others that want to start living a healthier lifestyle to do just that.  Start living a healthier “lifestyle”.  Start out slow, make healthier decisions when picking foods, stock your house with healthy foods and healthy activities and also, get outside.  Turn off some of the electronics and spend time with family or friends outdoors or in a sports complex.  Go on a walk, take a day trip to the mountains and hike or try out a new yoga studio with a friend.  It can’t be a one day trial and don’t let yourself get wrapped up in mistakes you make along the way.  Every day is different along with every choice.  Move forward and don’t focus on what’s already been.  If you’re looking for additional information on living healthy and dealing with the emotions that come with our weight and body image, I would encourage everyone to read “Made to Crave” by Lysa Terkeurst.  I am just about finished with the entire book and can’t wait to share once I complete it. 

Turn it over to God

My heart hurts for hurting people today.  People that have everything they need to be happy but still find themselves hurting inside.  Where do you find yourself today?  How is your heart?  Are you struggling physically; emotionally?  Are you stressed?  What do you desire today?

Take a moment; sit back in your chair and rest.  Rest in the fact that the Lord is sitting there with you, then take a deep breath and let it out.  Talk to God, audibly.  Maybe you’re driving down the road and you just need to turn off the radio for a moment and speak, audibly to the Lord.  If you don’t know what to say then start with what you’re thankful for.  “Lord, I know you’re here with me and I know you already see my struggles.  You knit every part of me together beautifully and I trust in You but today, I am struggling with…”  

When we speak to God and believe in His presence, we can release our struggles and stresses to Him and relieve our spirits of the burden.  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13  That is exactly what the Lord wants for you today.  He doesn’t want you to walk through your day struggling and worrying about what has happened in the past or what may be coming in the future.  He wants you to crave a relationship with Him and turn your struggles over to Him.  Our God is a loving God in the highest meaning of the word “love”.  Our Lord created love and He loves His people, His children more than we’ll ever know; so today have faith and believe that He can handle what you turn over to Him.  Don’t waste any more of your time today, struggling.  Ask Him to help you and to take the burden from you.  It may not be immediate, but peace will flow into your heart and you will find yourself happy and rejoicing again.  

Build Up Don't Tear Down

I try to live a fairly healthy lifestyle.  I stay active and try to eat good things more than bad.  It was this desire that led me to my decision earlier this week to put the rubber to the road and start making these good choices on a daily, sometimes seems hourly, basis.  It being March, I wanted to make a change.  Like I said, I already live a “fairly” healthy lifestyle but, I wanted to take “fairly” out of the equation.  So, this week was the starting point for eating right and exercising much more than I had been.  I revamped my playlists, pulled the sneakers out of the closet and re-downloaded MyFitnessPal onto my Iphone. 

It was about this time when that “little” voice in my head started questioning myself.  Do you ever do that?  Quite frankly, sometimes I question whether it’s me or “satan” trying to direct my thoughts.  I also started re-reading Soul Detox written by Pastor Craig Groeschel.  I’ve read this book once/possibly twice already but since it was still downloaded on my phone, I wanted to re-read it this week.  Throughout the book, Craig explains how our lives and our souls can become toxic in ways; whether through toxic friends, situations, media or thoughts.  Towards the end of the book, Craig wraps up with a section called “excuses, excuses.”  He wrote about how “your enemy will give you excuses to stay the same” and how “you second guess because your decision doesn’t seem worth the effort.”  He also wrote about how we can become “complacent” and “addicted to mediocrity.” 

While reading this book this week and dealing with these questions or “second guesses”, I realized how poorly I viewed myself in situations.  I was talking to myself in ways that I would never let others talk to me.  I’m sure there are insecurities that I deal with that accompany these thoughts.  I consider myself a positive person, most of the time.  I try to see the upside of things and I always enjoy talking with others and trying to lift them up.  I didn’t even realize how I was talking to myself.  It reminds me of that saying, “You can talk the talk but do you walk the walk.”  Obviously, I was talking one thing to others and walking one way in front of others but not behind closed doors. Thinking back over these thoughts, I tore myself down in several areas; including school, work, my fitness and diet.  I think it was through my decision to exercise more and eat right that I started noticing these “bad” thoughts.  To be honest, I made a list of some of the thoughts that I had been thinking to myself and telling myself and it’s concerning how quickly these came to mind.  “You’re fat”, “You’re too short”, “You talk too much”, “You’re dumb”, “You don’t do enough”, “You don’t make enough money”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re not good enough”, “You’re weak” and “You’re ugly.”  Isn’t that horrible?  I’m a positive person and this is what I think about myself at times.  I’d be running and start thinking about how “weak” I am and how “fat” I am and literally, could watch my running pace slow.  I’d be looking in the cabinet for something to eat and think “You’re already fat, so just eat the chocolate.”  Or I would look in the mirror and think “These pants make me look fat, well I am fat, so these pants are too tight.” 

Please don’t think that I am writing this for a pity party.  I’d rather no one comment than have people start commenting with sympathy.  I sincerely, didn’t realize how I was talking to myself and how my thoughts were affecting how I felt about myself.  Through reading Soul Detox and focusing on new challenges, I saw this parade of bad thoughts in my head and how it was affecting my performance and attitude.  This realization made me want to share with others in case there are people out there struggling with these issues too.  I have a feeling that this is especially common in women.  We hardly ever give ourselves enough credit and on that note, I confess that I don’t build up my husband like I should either.  Not because I think bad thoughts about him, but how can I build up my husband like I am suppose to when I tear myself down all the time? 

Now that I have realized this need for change, I can spend time in processing and making small changes every day.  It certainly will not be an immediate change but with focus and prayer, I can conquer this!  I encourage anyone that has read inspirational or encouraging books to comment the title.  I’d love some additional reading and literature on this matter.  Maybe through my realization and others advice on helpful material, not only can I grow in my self confidence but others can too.

Bad turned Good

I am a firm believer that God will talk to you, move you and work through you in ways that we, sometimes, can understand and others cannot.  Over the past few months I have felt God working in me, teaching me through the experiences in my life.  Some lessons were easily learned while others have been a slow, repetitive process. 

I am a planner.  I thoroughly love to make lists.  To do lists, check lists, lists that last a day, a week or months.  Sometimes I make lists and actually check over them while other lists get written and never looked at again.  Either way, I plan.  I plan my day and I plan my year.  I pretty much plan everything.  You’d think that a planner like me would really struggle with unplanned experiences.  However, the older I get; the better I am getting at handling these instances.  I don’t necessarily always love them but I learn to enjoy the meaning behind them. 

If I keep my ears tuned and my eyes open for God’s work in my life, sometimes it’s easy to tell when He’s working.  I believe God has His hand on everything so I try not to stress when these “surprises” come along.  As long as I remember that He’s working in this some way, shape or form then I don’t have to worry about an outcome.  Just like He placed the surprise in my life or strategically will help me move through or around the surprise, He can handle where I go from here. 

Take today for example: I just wrapped up a strenuous 8 week class and had planned to start my second 8 week class (part 2 of the first) tomorrow.  To my surprise, a phone call informed me this afternoon that the school cancelled that class.  My initial thought, “Great; after all of my hard work and sacrifice, I now cannot take the second class because others failed and now the numbers are too low to offer this class”.  Immediately, I felt a strong “shish” and regretted thinking those thoughts.  Yes, I wanted to take this class.  I really wanted to get ahead and be in a better position for my nursing classes in the future, but I can’t change the decision made.  Thinking back over the last 8 weeks, I was still proud of myself and the work I put into my class.  Plus, God had worked through me in several ways over the past 8 weeks.  I wouldn’t take that back for anything. 

My second thought came with a smile (surprisingly, and not usual for someone who gets bad news); “What if this was God working?”  No, I am not taking this a sign that I need to drop my goals of being a nurse one day, but what if this cancellation was a precursor to another opening somewhere else.? What if life was going to hold something that needed my attention more than this specific class at this time?  When you believe that God has His hand on everything and you take away the worry that comes with bad news, it doesn’t seem so bad.  What should have ruined my day opened me up to think with excitement about what might be coming my way.  Maybe it’s not a good thing happening in the next few months, maybe it’s something that I will need that time that would have been spent on schoolwork to overcome a battle, but I can’t worry about that now.  As a planner, what I can do is take my “plan” and prepare to change it a bit.  It’s not a bad thing to plan but it is important to roll with the punches.  I need to be flexible and have faith and continue to listen and watch for the next move.  Good or bad, there is a purpose behind it and who knows, it might be a life defining moment.  This might be a season of greatness and if I believe in greater things and “sun stand still” prayers then this “bad” news might become one phone call that changed it all. 

So, I encourage everyone out there today that’s struggling with control and worry to turn it all over to God.  Let Him handle it.  We can only make the  most of the moment and when we worry ourselves sick and focus on the bad and the stressful things in life we aren’t capturing the moment in highest regards.  Pray to God that He’d help you with your, personal struggles and that He would mold you and teach you through your experiences in life.  He is Almighty and the King of Kings.  He can not only handle what you’re going through but the God that made the stars can place you in a position of greatness in your life to where you can not only survive but excel!

Walking through the Woods

This evening I walked through the woods around our house.  While I was walking I turned my youversion app on to listen to the book Mark in the Bible.(Isn’t it amazing that we can listen to the bible any time we want)  As I was walking, listening to the scriptures I was overwhelmed in the moment.  Life can be so crazy at times and it can sometimes feel as if we were walking through a forest.  Just like my walk today, I would move around trees and step over thorny vines trying to keep my balance and focus on what was in front me all at the same time.  It would seem as if this coordination would be stressful, yet for some reason it’s actually extremely relaxing.  At the same time that I am focusing on where and how I move through the woods, I’m not worried about all the stresses of everyday life that will return when I head home.  The older I get, the more this reality sets in.  We’re not guaranteed tomorrow and we’re not going to have perfect days every day.  There are going to be mornings with headaches and afternoons spent chasing our deadlines followed by evenings of worry and regret that we may not have captured the day like we had planned.  I use to live every day as if it were a fairy tale.  Really, that was my expectation.  If there was something wrong, it would end in a happily ever after and if I needed a super hero, he’d come to the rescue.  It took getting into some real situations and getting around real people to knock me off my pedestal and make me realize that happiness isn’t found in fairy tales; it’s found in life.  Real life isn’t always going to be perfect; if it were, it wouldn’t be life.  But with that reality, comes true happiness and contentment found in real situations.  I may not always have breakfast ready for my husband before his feet hit the floor, but my husband knows that my heart yearns to please him continuously in so many ways.  He may not come home to a clean house everyday but he will come home to a wife that’s happy to have him home and content to sit on the couch and watch TV together.  When I look back on the last 20 or so years, my happiest moments weren’t found in the “tailored situations”(situations controlled and manipulated to be perfect).  My happiest moments were when I achieved goals after working really hard to get there or looking into my groom’s eyes and saying yes after the two of us spent years working on our relationship, figuring out if we were willing to commit the rest of our lives to one another.  There will never be a time when the hard times stop.  The work will always commence and the stresses will always rise but it’s in those moments that’s when we’re suppose to close our eyes and bow our heads and pray.  Just like my walk in the woods.  With the hard moments there will be moments of peace.  Peace that only our Savior can give us.  He can place His mighty hand on your heart and his presence in your soul and make the stress fade away even if only for a moment.  So as we move through life, trying to step in the right direction and steer away from temptations, we can know that at the same time God is willing to give us peace and carry the worries for awhile.  

Mold me Lord

Recently, I shared my experience of when I tested for nursing classes and the "God moment" I had right there in the testing center.  Since then I have signed up for some intense science classes to line me up for nursing school in the fall.  One of those classes started last week.  Anatomy & Physiology 1 online and in 8 weeks.  I must admit, not the easiest way to "go back to school."  It has been a complete life shift with schoolwork around the clock, work at a minimum and literally, blocking myself into our home office for majority of the day.  I take "breaks" to clean house, fold laundry and unload the dish washer.  Most days, I don't step outside until 4 pm because I have been working on assignments and taking quizzes up to that point.  

There have been several times over the past week when I become so stressed with deadlines and upcoming schedules that all I can do is cry.  My shoulders tense up when I think about all the assignments due at the end of the week and the fact that I am actually suppose to "learn" and "remember" all of this material in 8 weeks.  It's in those hard moments that I start to doubt myself and my ability to go back to school.  When the stress gets the best of me and I start to focus on the possibility of failure, I want to quit.  I let my insecurities get the best of me and start plotting my way out.  

Earlier this evening I was working on a timed exam that I had studied so hard for, yet found myself struggling through, when this failure fear came back to me in a full fledged panic attack.  There I was with a clock ticking away and the stress starting to build.  I was running out of time, searching for answers and could hardly focus on the test at that point, because my mind was racing through the "F" that I was going to get.  Suddenly, in the midst of my panic this flood of calmness and calling came over me.  I was taken back to that testing room where I had given everything over to God.  I had told Him to handle it.  It was in His hands, what I did with my future and I just wanted to do what He wanted me to do.  The conviction of how trusting I had been then and the realization of how un-trusting I was in this moment made me realize how circumstantial my faith in God can be.  A few months ago I had this amazing, life changing moment with God where I knew without a doubt He was instructing me to go to school and pursue a nursing career.  Now, I couldn't make it through a trying test without questioning everything I am working toward.  It was tonight during that test that I asked myself, "Doesn't God want me here?"  Yes, He does.  He instructed me down this path months ago and now because it's time to work, I am going to give up?  I asked for an answer then and he answered me.  I told Him I would do whatever He instructed me to do and now it's time to follow through.  When I put everything in that perspective; that God had placed me in this moment for a reason and that He wanted me here; everything seemed less stressful and more purposeful.  

I ended the test with a much better grade than I had anticipated and continued to perform better and better with each test I took afterwards.  I wish I didn't allow my emotions to get the best of me.  I wish I could be more stable in my walk with God.  I want to remember that He is right here.  He is with me every step of the way and He DID put me here.  When I focus on His Will instead of my abilities, every trial seems less trivial and more like a training session.  There are always going to be trials but they can be overcome.  I love how Pastor Jentzen Franklin put it this past Tuesday, "Sometimes you just have to go through your go through."  That's exactly right.  When I think about it, I don't even want my walk to be an easy one.  I want to get to the end, turn around and be proud of the work I did.  I want to feel accomplished when I look back on this moment in life.  It's not suppose to be easy and it won't always be but it is suppose to be a process not a project.  It's going to take time but it's going to be worth it.  

So the next time I feel the stress sinking into my neck, I am going to stop and talk to God.  I am going to remind myself that He is right here, He put me here and He is walking with me every step of the way.  Whether it's an easy A or a trying C, God is holding my hand and instructing me in my every move.  Here's to a more purposeful, God guided semester.  

Thank you Lord for your provision and your instruction.  

Remembering my leading lady....

It was a little over four years ago that my maternal grandmother went to be with the Lord.  She had been sick for several months and even though we felt it was too soon for her to leave us, at the same time, we knew it was perfect timing for her.  My grandmother, or "nanny" as I called her was my leading lady in life.  She was always the sunshine in my day and was one of the strongest women I know.  She had her priorities lined up perfectly.  God, family, friends and service.  She loved the Lord with everything she had and that was evident in her life.  I remember sitting in her funeral service listening to all the committees she was apart of, the movements she had started and all the people that she had lifted up in her life.  She gave her love and time to her local church and served like a God fearing woman strives for.  She was a devoted wife and loved her four children and many, many grand children.  When we were younger, it was all about Sunday dinners.  Almost every Sunday night we'd meet at nanny and papa's house for a big dinner.  Once a week, I would get to see my aunts, uncles and cousins.  We'd eat and hang out for hours each Sunday which meant more to me than I knew at the time.  To make it a point to take time out of each week and spend it with family like that, was something rare and I wish I had more of now.  When I think about it, it's like a hazy, old movie reel in my mind full of comfort food smells and bursts of laughter.  Oh, how I miss those days.  I give all the credit to my nanny.  She was the driving force in our family and it was always because of her that we came to the round table to thank God and enjoy moments with family.
Today is her birthday and today she would have been 82.  It's been four years and I can still see her smiling face in my mind.  Simply put, there is nothing like a grand parent and we need to remember this as our grand parents age and move on in life.  I consider it a blessing to have known my grandmother and an honor to call her my "nanny".  Here's to a great woman of God, a respectful wife, devoted mom and loving grandmother.  

Handmade Sunset

I love car rides!  It could be a 10 minute ride to the hardware store or a 3 hour ride to the beach; it doesn't matter to me.  My husband would contest that I love car rides because of the quality time I get with the back of my eyelids; however, the real reason I love car rides is the chance to sit back and enjoy the sights.(When I am awake!)  To me; it's peaceful to look out over a crop field and watch rows and rows of beans pass by.  I think it has to do with the uniformity and structure of the lines.  Each seed was placed with such care and certainty of where it needs to be in order to grow properly.  

I was blessed to take in such beauty this afternoon on our way to Florence, SC.  It took us about 2 hours to travel through Cheraw on our way  and then another 2 hours back through McBee.  It was just before McBee, that I started to notice the colors in the sky.  The sun had been setting for several minutes now, the sky had gone from blue to yellow and was now this crisp white that was fading into the wood line.  I couldn't help but stare as I tried to drive through town.  When I see a sight like that, all I can think is how close God is.  He's right there.  He's close enough to hear my whispers yet some times I treat Him as if he's too far away to care.  On a regular day when we're simply traveling the roads; He has made His Presence known to us by giving us a sunset that only He could create.  In those quiet, short moments of a sunset, I remember how blessed we are and how thankful I am to be in this moment right now with God right here.  God is always here with us, through the good and the bad, when we feel Him here and when we don't.  If we could just take our eyes off of the ground and lift them to the Heavens, we might get a glimpse of the beauty that He has created for us for this moment.  

Frosty January Friday

Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.


This morning I woke to let Eva out and couldn't resist grabbing my camera and heading out for a brisk walk.  Last night's fog had left a thick frost that was now glistening in the morning sun.  Our house sits on a hill surrounded by woods and there are few things I love more than a walk down our driveway in the morning; down to the water's edge and around to the crop fields.  It was as if this particular morning Winter was making his announcement, "Yes I am here."  The birds were busy gathering seeds as they filled the trees with their chirps and cheeps.  I saw a wide array of robins, cardinals and blue jays.  A cluster of doves thought it would be fun to tempt Eva as they jumped around her in the field while she tried to determine exactly how to play with something so tiny.  
Eva and I walked down the driveway and around to the dock where the steam coming off the water was magnificent.  The chilly water had become warmer than the frosty air and was giving off a thick, dense steam that was floating off of the water's top and into the air like smoke.  There was a layer of frost on the dock and as I walked out to the edge, it creaked and cracked with every step.  As I bent down to capture the steam I could hear our crane's squawk as he flew across the water.  Laying there on the dock, looking out over the water; life seemed simple.  A beautiful, crisp Friday morning with little on my mind but the chirp of the birds and the "smoke on the water"  rising into the Heavens.  Oh, how I wish every morning could be captured in such beauty.  I believe the time it takes the sun to rise is a particularly special part of day.  It's as if God is whispering "wake up my sons and daughters, come and enjoy what I have made for you this morning and witness the beauty I have brought into your life today."  If only we could pull away from the distractions this world demands and take time to join God on a walk in the morning; whether it be a walk through nature or a walk through scripture; He will speak and all we have to do is listen.  
Good Morning Lord.  Thank you for such a beautiful wake up call.