Becoming a momma... one tiny glimpse at a time

Everyone has always said.. " children will change your life."  I just never knew that life change would start so quickly.  

Casey and I had been planning our family for a while.  We always said five years but I don't think either one of us really thought it would go "according to plan."  We spent months talking and planning; we tried to walk the line between doing what we could and letting God take hold of our future. 

It didn't take long for fear to creep in.  I worried that we'd waited too long, that we waited and now may have trouble or that we'd been too strict in our planning, that we hadn't allowed room for God to speak into our plans.  It was this same fear that kept me from loving my baby right away.  

I had taken a test.. negative.  Another test.. negative.  One more.. a slight positive.. another positive and then a trip to the doctor where I hoped they'd confirm my pregnancy but feared they would deny it.  It didn't feel real.  I was so thankful that it hadn't taken a long time to start a family but at the same time I was having trouble grasping that fact.  That night I went home and greeted Casey at the door with a book and a gift bag of baby goodies.  We both cried and hugged and sighed in relief that this really was  happening.  Yet, relief was short lived and soon that same fear crept into my mind and eventually into my heart.  

It had all happened so fast.  One minute we're talking about "one day" and the next we're looking at this tiny little being on an ultrasound.  I had prayed for this little life but now I feared that I would lose it.  Too many late night internet articles, my job in the medical field and statistics in waiting room magazines grew my worry to doubt and doubt to obsession.  I started preparing my attitude and mindset according to the chance of ....... instead of opening my heart to love this little baby at every stage of it's existence.  

It was when I came home from my 12 week appointment that I sat down on the couch and just sobbed.  I felt guilty as I held this new ultrasound in my hands and remembered watching this little one's heart beat across the screen.  I had withheld so much joy and excitement because of what might happen.  Looking back over the past three months I hadn't really taken time to settle into the fact that now in just six months we'd very possibly be holding this little one.  He or she would be crying and cooing and looking up at me with those eyes waiting... waiting for me to teach them about life and about love.  Oh how I didn't want to teach our new little baby about how fear had held their mommy from experiencing one of life's greatest joys or how doubt had held me prisoner for 12 weeks.  

I want to love this baby every moment of every day.  I don't want to pull back for a period of time just in case to protect myself from hurt.  I want to embrace every moment, every sensation.  Life started 12 weeks ago and I haven't taken hold of it until now because I let fear of loss, fear of hurt, fear of pain hold me back from something that will forever change me as a being, as a woman and a mother.  

It was in that moment that no matter what happens I decided that fear wouldn't hold me captive any longer.  I would be in the moment and even though fear will always be there.  When I take this baby home for the first time, when I hear the cry from a skinned knee, when I watch them walk into school on that first day or walk down the aisle at their wedding; I don't have to let fear keep me from experiencing that moment I just have to decide to let God handle the what ifs and promise to love and live in every moment; the good, the bad and the unexplainable.  

He has a mighty plan for this baby and our family but I can't be the momma I am meant to be unless I release what I can't control over to my God and be present to walk in faith through the rest. 

5 years ago we became husband and wife.... and this year we become .....

It's about that time... 

             Our next chapter.... 

5 years ago we became husband and wife... 
          and this year we become daddy and mommy

   

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Lord I thank you for this amazing gift. We know that this life you've created and given us is only from you.  We pray that you instruct us in how you would like us to parent this child and we promise to teach your Word and bring this child up in a home that brings glory to your name.  No matter where our path in this life twists and turns we will remember your love and that your Will will be done.  We may not always have answers or explanations but we will praise you and your Kingdom. 

The Smith Family

Hanging Up My Cape

   Superheroes.. from a little boys action figure collection to the big screen to the comic floating on Pinterest about mommas conquering it all.. they're every where. Even NFL football players flash the superman pose after a touchdown but what exactly are we saying with these gestures.  Batman, Superman and the Avengers.. they work fine for movies and little kids imaginations but what are we telling ourselves and others when we bring the superhero mentality to our daily lives?

   I'm not called to be a superhero.  Sure, it can be fun to dress up for a party or play pretend with a small child but there is a growing trend in our society screaming at us.. we can be superheroes.  We can have it all and do it all and be it all. This just doesn't work; eventually after I've chased the superhero mentality long enough the super wears off and all I am left with is myself.  Suddenly what I am left with doesn't seem like enough; I feel weak and insecure.

   I don't want to feel inadequate when I am just being me.  I don't want to feel bad when I have a tough day and the checklist goes unchecked.  Life is already tough enough so why make it harder by chasing an image of perfection.  I used to think that in order to get where I wanted to be in life I had to achieve a certain standard.  If I wanted to lead a women's small group I would have to read the Bible three times, become a worship leader and go five years without a sin.  Then.. then I would be ready for God to use me.  I used to carry my past around in my back pocket as if I needed a constant reminder of who I really was and  where I had been, the mistakes I had made and the potential that I didn't have.  Oh just how wrong I was.

   You see.. when it comes down to it God didn't call me to be perfect. He is perfect and perfection doesn't exist in this world outside of His Presence.  I am a sinner with a broken past and a future of more trials and tests.  I am going to make mistakes and fail again and again but I can find peace knowing that I am not called to be a superwoman but a woman who fears the Lord.  I am a woman, a daughter, sister, wife and one day a mother.  I don't have to strive for perfection.  I am asked only to love and share His love with others.
 
   I can rest in this; finding peace that I am beautiful and every morning is a new start.   I am called to live for Christ and walk in simple acts of obedience to Him.  When I am walking in this I am walking in my calling.  So whether i'm in class, at my workplace, standing over dishes at home or dropping kids off at practice I already have it all because He gave it all for me.

   We need to be careful of our superhero, juggling it all image.  We're not supposed to do it all.  We're doing just fine fulfilling our roles in day to day life, letting Him fill the gaps.  He doesn't want us to portray a perfect image to others but He wants to use those weak areas that we want to hide for His greater good showing those around us that we're struggling too but we're walking with God and we've found it all in Him.

Pressed but not Crushed

  

 It was 5 weeks ago yesterday. I was running mile 7 out of 13.  I was training for my first half marathon in 3 weeks; the weather was perfect and I felt great.  I was making my second lap up the driveway when a sharp pain started in my right foot.  As I kept pushing, thinking that it'd eventually stop, slowly I realized step by step that this pain was growing sharper instead of fading away.

   By the time I reached the road I knew I had to stop and analyze the pain.  After I stopped I wouldn't start again, the pain grew worse and I found myself having trouble walking much less running.  It was 5 weeks ago that I sprained my ankle and injured my plantar fascia.  I saw my doctor that week thinking if I started rehabilitation immediately that I would be in good shape for the half but after a week of stretching, icing and no exercise I was told that my half would have to wait.

   I cried on the way home from my appointment.  My husband knew how important this had become but struggled to understand why I was so upset.  Friends were supportive and family encouraged for the future events I would run but inside I felt like I had failed.

   I spent the next few weeks thinking; analyzing why I was just so upset.  Why did it matter to me this much?  I knew that I would return to running one day but it was so hard to find joy in the future during this season of rest.

   I started running to relieve stress.  I found that if I just got outside and went for a jog that my mind would clear and I could think practically.  This pushed me from 2 miles to 7 to 10 to 13 and as the number of miles grew so did my passion.  As I saw the change in my distance I also noticed a change in my self confidence.  I had made changes to my eating habits, seen a difference in my body and loved how I was pushing past limits I placed on myself.  If you asked me a year ago if I would ever run 13 miles I would have bust out laughing.  Yet here I was finding joy in the pain and conquering fears that I wasn't good enough.

   I realized that this hobby had taught me a lot about myself.  Over the years I had pre-decided what I was and was not capable of.  I had settled into the mindset that I would always be short and stocky.  I would always be more of a walker than a runner.  I would wear sizes 6-8 instead of 2-4.  I would always yo-yo diet and carry an extra five to ten pounds depending on the season.  I would find peace in comfort instead of pushing past fear to reach new goals.  Running started as something small but had become a daily lesson in bettering myself.  Each time my body would ache I would think of stopping and I would have to speak to myself positively in order to keep going. This insight into my insecurities was what had fueled my sport and why I had been so upset when I knew my goal of a half marathon would be postponed.  I also found that with music blaring and my feet pounding pavement something in me felt closer to God; like I could talk to Him and listen more intently.  If the world around me grew silent and all I could hear was my breath and my spirit then I could see the potential.

   There have been so many times when I've just been running down the drive and overcome with joy and felt so much love from Him that I would just start crying.  I'd raise my hands up in praise and just feel free.  It's like hitting those weak, painful moments in my run that I learned to see myself through His eyes.  I am broken and hurting and falling short every day but He sees me as beautiful and strong and He built me that way.

   I was recently reading in 2 Corinthians when I found encouragement for those weak moments.  "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed"(2 Corinthians 4:7-9)  In those weak moments during a run instead of giving up I had learned to deal with the pain; I was watching myself grow into a new me, I was pushing past fear and doubt to reach farther than I thought possible before.  I had always stopped just short of the next step because I had given into the pain, fear, doubt, comfort.  Running had been a very practical way for me to learn that every new day is just that, a new day; an opportunity to do better, push farther and step by step move towards new achievements.

   Two days ago I pushed past again, lacing up my shoes for the first time in so many weeks and making a path back to those 13 miles.  I feared that there would be pain; that I would take a bad step and hurt again but I remembered those words in 2 Corinthians.  I am afflicted or pressed but not crushed.  I am struck down but not destroyed.  It's a new day and I can get up again and start over.  I learned a lot about my self doubt and insecurities over the past month but now is the time to make new and push on, finding new purpose in today and looking to Him for help along the way.

   Whether it's a lesson in life, an injury in your sport, a set back in your career or hurt in a relationship; we are told in the scriptures above that we may be pressed and we may be struck down but we are never destroyed.  There will be times in life when it gets hard and the pain is real but God tells us that He is there with us and we will recover.  Through Him and His love for us we find victory and rejoicing.

Perfect ending to CM James

   When Casey and I bought our flip house a year ago we were excited to "get our hands dirty" and learn through this new project; little did we know that God was going to write a beautiful story through this endeavor. January 17 2015 marked our 1 year and February 23 2015 was the day that we signed papers on our sale!  It's been a year of ups and downs but as Casey and I sat celebrating that night we agreed that we'd do it all again given the opportunity.  

   This little brick ranch abandoned but beaming with promise taught us so much.  Not only did we learn about materials, textiles and construction but we learned how to lean on one another and take risks.  There were many late nights and weekends spent waist deep in plumbing and paint but through it all we grew closer together.  It may sound silly but that little brick ranch held a piece of our hearts over that year.  We had given so much time, energy and money to that "flip" and when it was time to put the "for sale" sign up we prayed that God would bring the right family to our little home. 

   During the construction there was something about that house that stirred me.  I imagined babies being bathed in the tub and toddlers running down the hall.  I imagined this abandoned house becoming a home for a family that would cherish its warmth and protection.  I just knew the tears I shed in frustration and the sweat Casey poured in labor wouldn't be spent for nothing but that God was working out a plan for this "flip".  

   Well.... the house spent several weeks on MLS and the selling process was more traumatizing than construction.  People came and people left.. until a late August evening.  Our friends had been shopping for a house and came by to see the finished product.  The next week was a whirlwind with several more visits and a late night phone call that led to moving day!  Casey's old roommate and his wife, some of our best friends decided that our flip was their home and moved in early September.  Suddenly all those feelings I had and all the times I had prayed for God to handle this process were fulfilled. 

   Our friends and Casey and I look back and can see times when God literally reached down and placed everything in the right place.  We couldn't have asked for a more perfect ending to our story on CM James Road and we look forward to many years growing in life with our best friends down the street.  

As I sit in my waiting room....

There's a good chance you've found yourself in a waiting room at some point in your life.  The line of chairs, stale coffee and dry air don't make for the most comfortable accommodations, yet we sit and wait as patiently as we can. I don't know about you but I don't consider myself a very patient person so I don't last very long sitting still in a waiting room.  

Recently, I've had the opportunity to chat with friends about a "waiting room" season in life; a time when you've left your previous situation but not quite found yourself in your new reality.  Whether it be a job transfer, a change in cities or a change in stage of life there may be a period of time when you're sitting... in a holding pattern... a waiting room of life.  

As a woman I don't handle the "waiting room" idea all that passionately.  I need to be going, doing, moving.  I mean... you can't honestly expect me to sit still?  This day in age, we're moving faster than ever, never stopping, pulling all nighters and never turning off our cell phones just in case someone needs us.  If you're not moving up the ladder, building that new addition, adding new Instagram followers or getting more likes on Facebook then you're not being productive, right?  This is what the world has taught us. We've learned that if we're not moving faster, doing more or becoming more then we're quite frankly, failing.  

My current waiting room in life has taught me that this mindset is all wrong.  There's nothing against better(ing) yourself by reading a good book or listening to a podcast but you can't let yourself believe that if you aren't constantly working towards the next best thing that you're not "good enough."  I have been in my waiting room for a few months now; waiting, listening for what God has next for me.  No... I haven't been very patient but quite frustrated and angry at times.  I'm ready for what's next.. at least I think I am. 

Casey and I renovated a house last year that took us a bit longer than expected and with paper work has taken longer. For us, our 2014 was all about "the house" and it took just about all of our time and energy last year.  Looking back, I love that house and the people that bought it from us so all the time and energy were more than worth it and I would do it again tomorrow.  However after spending an entire season on that house, where do we go from here? What's next for us?  As we wrapped up our 2014 we knew we wanted God at the center of 2015 but unfortunately God didn't email us our itinerary immediately.  

Yet, in the midst of my seemingly "barren" season I have seen God work through my life even in the midst of my frustrations.  He has brought such amazing people into my life and challenged me in ways I wouldn't have pushed myself on my own.  Its been in the quiet times that I have learned, cried, prayed and for some of the first times honestly listened for God's instruction.  So while I may not look or feel productive I know that this "waiting room" has brought growth and renewal.  Pastor Steven once said "A season of blessing will be preceded by a season that seems barren." So as I sit in my "barren" season, sometimes impatiently waiting for whats next, I will draw closer to Him and believe that He has far greater plans for me and our family than what I see in this waiting room. 

Practical Ways to Draw Closer to God

1.  Get in His Word
Even if it's just a 5 minute devotional on the way out the door. Download the YouVersion Bible App and start a plan. If you can, try getting out of bed 10-30 minutes earlier and spending time in your Bible.  You'd be surprised how He will meet you there and speak to you throughout your day.

2.  Listen to Worship Music
This is a favorite of ours in the Smith household. We are known to blare worship music in our home, in our car and in our headsets.  I love playing Pandora worship stations while getting ready in the morning; it sets a tone for my entire day.  I also love turning it on when I am upset or angry about something; it helps to reset my mind and think more practically.

3.  Listen to a Podcast
There are all sorts of resources now from different types of churches and Pastors.  Some of my favorites are Elevation Church, Pastor James MacDonald, Craig Groschel, Christine Caine and Proverbs 31 Ministries. 

4.  Join a Bible Study or Small Group
Something special happens when you surround yourself with people that support and encourage you in your walk with God.  You can find small groups in your local church or even online.  Proverbs 31 Ministries offers online Bible Studies. 

5.  Pray Pray Pray
This isn't easy for me.  I'll admit that prayer has been a practice that I have to keep practicing but it has been most rewarding.  There have been times when I have had to crawl to my bedside, drenched in tears and begin my prayer with "God I don't want to talk to you now but I know I need to."  Sometimes we have to go to Him when we don't feel like it and find His peace in our pain. 

6.  Attend Church
Make your church attendance a priority

7. Get Involved
Volunteer locally and/or in your church.  Casey and I love our volunteer team; they have become family to us and we walk with them through life.

8.  Give
Begin a habit of tithing to your local church and give to other organizations.  Volunteer with your time and give financially.  


Changing my focus to these simple acts of obedience while I am in this waiting season has helped me see that I am not barren nor unproductive but I am opening up for God to work through and in me; preparing me for the seasons to come.  

The Night that Changed Everything

It was eight years ago... 
it looks a bit hazy now in my mind...
but I can feel the love like it was yesterday.

I was driving back to college from my parent's house.  I had been in a dark place for a long time.  You wouldn't have known that by looking at me or my Facebook page but I had made bad decisions that led to consequences and those consequences were bringing me to my brink.  I didn't know how to maneuver through and I knew I couldn't get myself out of this one.  If I was right then my life had changed forever and even if I were wrong then I would wake up the next morning in the same position I had been settling in for months. 

I was driving down the road with all this swirling in my mind when I decided to turn on a Christian radio station.  I hadn't listened to "Christian" music in a long time but if ever there was a night, this was it.  It didn't take long... the lyrics played through the speakers and into my heart.  I just started balling, sobbing like never before.  I was broken and lost and lonely.  On the outside I had everything; a great family, friends, a cheerleading scholarship and had started my freshman year in college but on the inside I was empty.  Something had been missing and that was evident as I sat in my car crying like a child. 

It was in that moment of brokenness when I gave up; I gave up control and selfishness and just let go.  Thats when He reached down, right out of the Heavens and touched me.  The best way I can explain it was a warmth, a peace and a over whelming love that cured every pain and every sorrow.  There in my car God touched me.. after so many years and so many sins, He was there, right there with me and I gave it all to Him.  I promised that if He would just take the pain and regret I would live my life for Him all the days of my life.  

I had been around church and I had heard people's testimonies but it never made sense to me until that night.  His Presence and the overwhelming, all consuming love that He showed me were awesome, remarkable and indescribable in earthly terms.  There was no doubt in my mind that it was God and that moment with Him birthed a fire in my soul.  When you've been in His Presence like that you can't keep it to yourself, you have to share it with everyone around you and pray that they will experience it too. 

That same night I returned to my college dorm room and called my mom.  I told her what had happened and I met with our campus pastor the next day.  I started a small women's group on our college campus and found a passion for women's ministry.  

Life didn't change immediately. There were relationships that needed to end and new ones that needed to begin.  I needed a church and a small group of people to support, encourage and influence me with wisdom.  I started reading the Bible and joined a small college ministry.  Life still kicks you down from time to time but once you've accepted Christ as your Savior you have new resources to keep climbing back up and fighting for a better tomorrow. It's not perfect; it never will be but it's freedom and it's the greatest love you'll ever embrace.



I started writing because it has been a way for me to reach others; a way to work out a calling in my life but I never want what I write to become internal or stale.  I want to use my story and what I have experienced through Christ to reach others. I want to connect with people near and far and join with them in prayer and counsel.  It's taken me years to bury the fear to write this testimony because it is as personal as I can get but if God reached down to me in that dark night, He can reach you too and He wants to take your pain and give you eternal life.  I pray that this testimony and many others are shared between family, friends and strangers.  This is just one story and I would be honored if you would share your story with me.  Please comment below or email breatheinthespirit@gmail.com.

Minister Where You Are

Minister: (noun) A person acting as the agent or instrument of another

                 (verb) to give service, care, or aid

   I have days now and then when I question why I am where I am; especially with my job.  Being a CNA isn’t hard and we usually perform most of our tasks “behind the scenes.”  We care for a patient briefly and quietly and move on to the next room.  So there are times when I question my importance and the impact that I am having on my unit and the patients that I care for.

   It’s easy to get busy and wrapped up in the tactical procedures that must be done.  At work I get stressed with phone calls and spontaneous bed baths and errands around the hospital.  I get overwhelmed feeling like I can’t keep up; feeling like I am missing the mark. 

10Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:10-11

   This week I got a tiny glimpse at my “why.”  I was at work, finishing up a shift and one of my very sick patients mentioned walking down to the café to pick out something for dinner. My immediate thought was, “I don’t have time for this.  Where are the volunteers? Of course he waited until now to ask for this.”  I knew this was wrong to think but I was tired and trying to leave work on time.  In that moment, I chose the right thing.  It doesn’t happen too often, unfortunately but in that moment I chose to put my to do list down and spend a few minutes with this young man.  As he and I walked downstairs this quiet, depressed young man began to talk and ask questions and even sported a slight smile.  He surveyed his dinner options and picked out a Stromboli at the counter.

   It was then while we waited for the lady to package his choice that he turned to me, looked me in the eyes and threw his arms around me.  I asked him several times, “what’s wrong, what’s wrong, are you sick, do we need to go upstairs?” He answered with a whisper in my ear, “thank you for bringing me down here.” 

   Let me tell you, it took everything in me not to start balling like a baby right there at the pizza counter.  I had almost missed this!  This one opportunity to walk with this young man fighting for his life; a simple request led to a shift in my soul.  I had made excuses and tried to pass off the “task” and I had almost missed out on that hug and that moment when for one second he smiled and found happiness in a late night Stromboli. 

   It was as if I could hear God saying…. “Meagan, this is it.  This is why I have you here for this season.  I need you to minister to these kids, to take time to talk and walk and hug.”  So when my days are hectic and my schedule is full I need to remember to take time and minister, love on and share Jesus with the ones around me because those moments will matter so much more than all the checks on my list.

Power of Purpose

    This summer I spent some time soul searching, trying to figure out my priorities and what exactly I was working toward.  Were my goals my own or someone else’s? Did my agenda line up with God’s? As I spent time reflecting and peeling back layers of my own insecurities I realized that I had been playing a role in my own life that I didn’t want.  I had been working for other people, eagerly awaiting their approval and waiting to hear recognition.  I had taken very little time to look inside my own heart and pray for God to show me my true desires and passions for my life.

   It’s not hard to get wrapped up in the approval of others and the image that society portrays as the “good life”.  We’re shown every day by those around us, celebrities and popularity what we should look like, feel like and act like but as Christians aren’t we supposed to turn from the “popular” image? 

17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. 20That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. 25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:17-32

   So as I slowly turned from the ambition of others and began looking inside my own heart and soul, I discovered a lot about myself and what was important to me and my marriage.  Casey and I spent time sharing plans for the next year and what was going to be important to our marriage and family unit over the next season.  As a new purpose was birthed and grew in my heart so did new habits and actions on my part.  Suddenly my purpose was building a fire in my soul and a fight in my spirit.  When my passion and my purpose collided with my faith and my family it was so dear to my heart that it changed my perspective and my willingness to work towards bearing fruit.

   The simplest way I’ve seen this shift in my life is when I am running… yes running… like an injured baby rabbit… slow and crippled.  I haven’t always been a runner, I used to hate running because of the pain it caused and the disappointment I felt when I gave in to that pain.  That was until one day when I pushed through and beat my personal best.   I had pushed past the pain in that moment and found joy in the moments following and now I have a secret weapon that aids in the miles filled with pain.  My purpose during this season lines up with my running hobby and during those times of struggle and suffering; when my muscles ache and it would feel so good to stop and walk a bit; I think about that purpose, the reason that I am fighting through and as I run the pain fades away and I can keep going long past what I set out to do.  Now instead of dreading the pain I see it as a training exercise; an opportunity to push on and push past my false limitations.

   I think this is where we struggle at times… we’re always searching for our purpose in life and we make it bigger than it has to be.  A purpose for me in this season became clearer when I made a list.  For me, my first priority is to be a daughter of the King, to love His people and to share the Good News.  Secondly, to be an encouraging, loving wife to my husband and follow his leadership in our marriage.  Also on my list is to be a daughter and daughter in law that holds my family close and takes time to listen and lift up those around me.  One day I want to be a mother that leads my children to Jesus; I want to teach them how to love and how to enjoy each season in life.  It’s here, as you list the desires of your heart that you’ll find your purpose.  You’ll know when tears form and a swelling in your heart rises.  This week try to find a quiet space and make a list and share it with the Lord. 

11For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

13You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

   He has a plan for your life and He wants you to come to Him and tell Him the desires of your heart.  He’s already listening and He wants to join you in your journey.

Putting Down my Pen

   Casey and I spent a couple of days with my family at the beach this weekend.  This time was needed and we captured every moment to walk, talk and rest.  I’m not sure why but when I stand on a beach and look out across the waves, I feel small and my God feels so much bigger. Casey knows that a beach is my happiest place and this is one of the reasons why. 

   Saturday as we were walking; talking about plans for the next year, I couldn't help but feel my big God asking for us to let Him in to our conversation.  How many times have we asked Him this year about our future plans?  When have I taken my agenda and opened it to Him or better handed Him the pen? 

   I told Casey (since we all know I was doing most of the talking on these walks) that this next year I need to let go of the reins and bring God closer into my heart.  You see, I've always been a “planner” and even worse a “worrier”.  I will analyze something until the midnight hours and as I plan I will worry about whether I am making the best decision and in return analyze some more.  God has been pressing into this issue with me over the past several months and I have felt Him lean in as I turn my head like a misbehaving child. 

   The root of my issue isn't a need to control but a lack of faith. It’s taken me time and weak moments to see this in myself. Why would I ever think my God who brought me out of the trenches before would ever want anything but outstandingly, awesome moments for my future?  The same God in the Bible is the same God writing my life’s story.  It’s when I preach this to myself that I find it a bit easier to drop my pen, close my calendar and listen for God’s instruction. 

   As we continued to walk down that beach, I thought about some of our really good moments.  Like our engagement when Casey proposed in the woods beside our forever home, or when I got an email inviting me to join a women’s egroup led by our pastor’s wife, or when Casey bought a foreclosure which led to an investment opportunity which led to financial blessing or when a mentor at our church asked us to take a leadership role .  You see, I didn't plan these moments; I hadn't even thought about them or dreamed what joy they would bring but they are some of the sweetest memories.

   So looking back, when did I plan something that brought the joy that I knew it would, in the exact way that I had planned?  Nope, there’s not a single time.  I can’t think of one time in my life that all my worry and anxiety and planning was worth the trouble.  This blew my mind; all this time I thought I had control on my happiness by planning and worrying and preparing when it was the moments that God got through that brought the most joy. 

   So as Casey and I walked off that beach, I prayed and promised God that this year my agenda would only hold grocery lists, work schedules and holiday parties because this year is His and I pray that He shines in our marriage, our home and every unplanned moment to come.

The man I married...

My leading man turned 30 this past Sunday and I want to take a bit of time to brag…

Casey has been a radiant light in my life since the night we met. He’s not your ordinary man and certainly not the average these days.  He has a servant’s heart that doesn't just follow Christ but chases God’s Will. Casey is devoted to his family and loves our friends with his whole being.  He volunteers in our church and in everyday life.  Casey is skilled with his hands and never takes a “day off.”  Not only does my man know how to take a bland yard and turn it into a beautifully landscaped paradise but he can demo a car and put it back together, build a home from the ground up and look at a abandoned project and turn it into a breath taking finish.  He honestly is the most amazing man I have ever met and his love and beauty radiates from his soul.  I thank God every day for this man and for bringing me to him to be his wife. Never have I been in such a courageous and honoring presence of a man but yet been encouraged to stand beside him, not behind him.  I pray that God would bless him and lead him in His Will.  I know that God is just getting started with Casey and his life and I look forward to watching the next 30 years unfold.  

"The Flip House"

Casey has wanted to “flip” a house for some time now so when he came to me back in November I wasn't surprised.  We laugh about our journey with this house now because it all started when we took a side road off our normal route home.  We had no idea that months later we’d own this little, worn out ranch tucked back in the country. 

Construction started immediately. Casey had been waiting to get his hands dirty in a renovation for a while and he was ready.  Tear down took days and plans for a new kitchen and bathrooms were already in the works. I remember thinking, “What are we doing”, “We don’t have time for this”, We don’t have money for this” but I did know that Casey Smith never starts a project he won’t finish and he never performs half way.  He is a planner, a doer and a successful man.  I guess that’s where all my security laid during these past 8 months.  I knew that even though I had questions I also had faith.

I mostly remember the work after the holidays and through the spring. Popcorn ceiling was scrapped away, carpet ripped apart, cabinets torn down and the endless painting, oh the painting.  That is one project I have not quite recovered from.  Casey and his dad worked so many late nights rerouting plumbing and rewiring electrical.  I’ll never forget the silent moments as we stood in the kitchen and bathrooms listening for water leaks. 

          After all the old was gone; the fresh paint graced the walls, new gorgeous cabinets were installed, beautiful tile was laid and dazzling granite was placed.  Then came the floors, Casey’s hardest project on his body as he returned home with knees and back aching, yet the floors brought the warmth.  It was after these beautiful pieces were laid that the house became a home again.  Now, it’s been 8 months and this “flip” is finished. I remember my mom telling me, “Meagan, building a home is one of the most stressful things you’ll do in a marriage.”  I assume it’s the balance between wants, needs and management of money.  Little girls grow up playing house and what it may look like so I can imagine and now can attest that, yes, this project has been stressful but it has been most rewarding. 

          I am so proud of my husband.  I never doubted him for a moment; just me. Not only does Casey own and run a successful landscaping business but he saw an opportunity and a dream unite and he took hold.  I have loved watching him learn and grow and achieve in so many ways.  We've laughed, cried and now breathe a little easier as this “project” will soon leave our hands into someone else’s.  I pray that this home brings joy and happiness and shelters a beautiful family for many, many years.  It all started as an idea and now my heart is having a little trouble saying goodbye. 

          It sounds silly but this house represented 8 months of marriage and relationship trials and tests.  Casey and I have grown tremendously and this year will forever lie in our memories.  I thank God for this season; for stretching us and molding us; for teaching us to trust and to be patient and for bringing us out so much stronger.  I am so thankful.

          Dear friends… whether it’s a project, a sickness, a job transfer or a time of financial stress; don’t let the seasons that God brings into your life and marriage go untouched.  Take one another’s hands, look to God and ask Him how He wants to use you.  He can teach you in every moment, even in the midnight glow with a scrapper in one hand and a paintbrush in the other.  

Words

What words are you using today? 

Are you choosing words of life or of death?

Are you speaking into someone or adding to the destructive static already swirling in their mind?

   Last year I decided to make a few changes to better my health.  I started eating healthier foods, exercised regularly and took the vitamins my body craved.  I quickly noticed, especially when I was running, that the words I spoke to myself had a lot to do with my performance.  If I told myself, “you’re fat and you’ll always be fat” then it was much harder for me to pick up an apple than a sweet treat.  If I told myself, “you can’t run that far, you never have and you never will” then it was a lot harder to push past the pain.  I found ways to work past the negative talk and although the battle rages on, I know the truth behind the lies.

   Recently, it’s been more and more concerning to me as I listen to the way we talk to others.  Listening to the word choices we make as we speak to our family, friends and coworkers worried me that we may be making a very similar mistake just as I was in the example above.  When I have a conversation with my husband, am I speaking life into his day by telling him how proud I am, how incredibly he serves others and how much I love his passion or am I sending him off to work feeling defeated and weak?  As I share stories with coworkers and friends, am I using words that encourage and inspire or am I adding to their fears and doubts? 

   There’s a lot of static in our day to day lives.  Sometimes I sit in our home and suddenly realize just how much noise is around me.  The dryer is rumbling, the washer is running, the television in our living room is on, not to mention the mix of ceilings fan, random beeps and clicks from our phones and even music coming from my computer.  This static can be found in the people we surround ourselves with as well as how we speak to those people. 

   Everyone has their own struggles and many of our thoughts are negative or doubtful.  I certainly don’t wake up hoping to come across negative comments or destructive criticism during my day.   Reflecting on this, I need to be really careful about how I speak with others.  I need to put down my phone, turn down the static and make sure I am listening to the person in front of me.  I need to make sure that the words coming from my mouth are genuine and provide encouragement and love.  I want that person to walk away feeling better and lifted.  If that’s what I crave from others then I better be offering that as well. 

36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Matthew 22:36-40

29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:29-32

   I love this scripture but it’s certainly not easy in practice. However, what if each day I tried a bit harder to make a habit of choosing life giving speech?  How would my interactions change and how would others around me benefit?  I think it’s time to take hold of our tongues and to be “a light in the world” that the static is trying to cover up!  

Slavery Still Exists

As I grow older... as we welcome more nieces and nephews into our family and as Casey and I prepare to become parents in the coming years, my awareness of protection and safety grows as well.  I look at children that have been abused as they arrive at the hospital for recovery and anger grows in my soul.  To look at another human being and see abuse; to talk with friends and hear stories, it births a sense of responsibility.  I immediately ask questions in my head like, “if someone had known”, “if only they had spoken up”, “if someone had done something” maybe the hurt wouldn't have been so bad, maybe the abuse wouldn't have gone on for so long. 

It’s hard when we live in a world that revolves around ourselves.  All we see and think about are how is this going to affect me and how my needs are going to be met.  That’s how we’re trained to think through media.  So when does change occur?  When do we stop thinking that way and take a stand?  When do we tune our ears to the cries of others and listen to God as He instructs us to follow paths of obedience? 

I learned about the A21 Campaign at Elevation church when Christine Caine spoke during our Code Orange Revival.  A21 is a partner of the End it Movement and together they work to end slavery of all kinds. 

27 million people are currently enslaved.  8 out 10 human trafficking cases worldwide involve the sex industry.  The average age is 12 years and yet only 1 in 100,000 European traffickers are every convicted. 

Katja's Story by A21

I think somewhere in our past we were taught that slavery ended when really the “industry” brings in an estimated $32 Billion each year.  So… do we go on as normal, turning our heads the other way or pretending not to see what’s going on around us? What if it was your sister?  Your niece?  Your son?  Is it going to take hitting close to home to wake us up?  If you’re ready to see change and take action, there are lots of ways to get involved.  Don’t wait until it’s too late, start now and learn ways that you can help!

#ENDITMOVEMENT

Don't let the "What if's" keep you from "What's next"

The older I get, the angrier I get at my complacency.

When I sit down at night and look back at my day, how did I spend my time?  Did I use my gifts to bless others? Did I strive for greater works?  Did I take the time that God gave me and use it to make a better tomorrow?

I sit in complacency too often.  I wait for others to do what I should do for myself.  I give in and give up too quickly and too often.  The only one to blame is myself.  God has given me everything I need.  It's sad to look back on days wasted, time given up and moments missed because I didn't put in the work.

It's as I sit here on a border line between the past and the future that I must reflect, review and prepare.  There was something about this past year that showed me my weaknesses and my strengths, something about realizing how much time and how many moments I didn't grab and fulfill their potential that terrifies me.  I don't want next year or the years to follow to be the same.  I want to be better, greater.. a force.  I want to stand for my beliefs and use my strengths to make a difference in my life and others.  I don't want to be ordinary or "normal".

I let so many things pass by because of FEAR!  I feared confrontation, complication and failure above all else.  I let fears in me keep me from my potential.  I don't live with regret because it's out of mistakes that I have learned and grown but that doesn't give me the right to continue making the same mistakes and to remain complacent.  I let my "what if's" keep me from my "what's next".

A year from now, if I turn around and see the same person, that's my fault.  If I find myself in a place, in a job, in a debt, in a circumstance that I didn't want, that's my fault.  It's time to work, to put my head down and push.  Push forward with everything I have.  The time for weakness is over.  It's now or never that I take the reigns and run.

I have gotten so familiar and comfortable in this zone that I didn't realize the time passing by.  I kept saying tomorrow, next week, next year.  What if there isn't a next year?  What if my opportunity is now?  God is here, listening, ready to empower me with everything I need to achieve, to succeed and to be greater.

It's time.. now.. today.  I may start small but I will move forward, every day, better and better and one day, soon, I will turn around look back and smile because today was the day that made my future possible.

No longer will my fears, my hesitations, my What ifs keep me from my What's next!

Elevation Creative: I Will Fight

www.vimeo.com/83497843

Leave a woman alone in her kitchen...

Leave a woman alone in her kitchen….

                                                                   and she’ll get creative with her food!

This afternoon my husband headed off to work a bit and that meant Eva and I were alone in the house.  I lit a few candles, poured some hot tea and watched the snow fall outside our windows.  As I stood in our kitchen and rambled through drawers and cabinets looking for some fantastic junk food to devour, I found myself stranded.  Here I was, snowed in with only healthy food to eat… no ice cream, no chocolate, no potato chips! 

It was just before I had a cravings pity party that I remembered I had two zucchini in the fridge.  I had bought them hoping to make “noodles” with them in accordance with a recipe I found on Pinterest.  You see.. my husband and I have been trying to cut back on gluten.. for no other reason than we would like to eat a bit healthier and pay more attention to exactly what we’re eating.  We have a couple of friends that eat completely gluten free and have seen tremendous results but I realize that living “gluten free” is extremely difficult and practically impossible at times, so we’re trying to start with small changes and get creative with other options.

After searching through my Pinterest boards, I finally found the zucchini noodles recipe.  It was really very simple and seems like it would be fun to play around with and add your own touch.

                 

I took a zucchini, shaved off the exterior coat(not required), then (using the guard) sliced the zucchini with our julienne slicer.  After letting the “noodles” sit for a few minutes, I warmed a skillet with the “noodles”, some marinara sauce, basil, garlic and black pepper.  It’s amazing how well the zucchini held it’s texture and I promise there was hardly any difference between my zucchini spaghetti and regular pasta spaghetti.  It will definitely be a new staple in our house. 

                      

I was reminded that this was the exact reason we try not to stock “junk food” in our house… so that when you find yourself ransacking cabinets looking for chocolate or salty chips and find nothing, you’ll turn to the healthy stuff and that helps keep me on my path to a healthier lifestyle!